NEW ORLEANS, LA – Three Orleans Parish candidates were removed from the ballot this week after failing the election’s most controversial qualifying stage: demonstrating basic adult responsibility.
The candidates reportedly survived fundraising, public speaking, strategic yard-sign placement, and repeatedly describing themselves as “community leaders.” Their campaigns collapsed only when officials introduced tax records and asked whether everyone had completed the paperwork they certified was complete.
“This is an outrageous standard,” complained a campaign consultant. “Candidates should be judged on promises they’ll never keep, not forms they swore they already filed.”
Election officials defended the process, explaining that Louisiana law requires candidates to file applicable tax returns or obtain extensions before seeking authority over everyone else.
Remaining candidates immediately began emergency preparations for later rounds, rumored to include returning shopping carts, remembering passwords, and scheduling a dentist appointment without assistance.
The Department of Revenue was praised for narrowing the field faster than voters could, although critics warned the precedent could devastate Louisiana politics if public officials are eventually expected to read documents before signing them as well.
