WASHINGTON, D.C. – Facing criticism for attending a Yale Mayor’s College Conference despite the New Orleans City Council’s recent travel restrictions, Mayor LaToya Cantrell found a creative loophole—by unilaterally declaring Washington, D.C., an official suburb of New Orleans.

“I can’t believe y’all really out here crying about a damn trip! Y’all act like I fucking moved to Dubai! D.C. is basically New Orleans with fancier buildings and politicians who pretend to be honest. If Slidell can be a suburb, then D.C. sure as hell can too. But I guess y’all too broke, too dumb, and too stuck in y’all’s sad little lives to understand that. Keep my fucking name out y’all mouths and let me do my damn job!”

The move has drawn mixed reactions. City Council members accused Cantrell of using “alternative cartography” to justify her trip, while supporters praised her bold vision of expanding New Orleans’ borders.

Locals in D.C. were reportedly panicked, fearing their crime rate would now be measured in carjackings per hour and that “stand your ground” laws would be replaced with “just give it up, bruh” policies. Meanwhile, New Orleans residents wondered if this meant DA Jason Williams would start dropping charges against high-ranking politicians in Congress, provided they promised to behave next time.

Asked if she would be returning to New Orleans anytime soon, Cantrell rolled her eyes and said, “Man, I’ll come back when y’all learn how to shut the fuck up and appreciate a boss bitch when you see one. Till then, I’m finna see if I can get Hawaii rezoned as a 9th Ward neighborhood. Might as well bring the beach to the city since y’all always crying ‘bout flooding anyway.”