NEW ORLEANS, La. – In an unprecedented move to address crime statistics without actually addressing crime, the New Orleans Police Department has introduced a new “Catch and Release” program—specifically targeting store clerks who dare to defend themselves.
“Our goal is to create a safer environment,” said an NOPD spokesperson. “For criminals.”
Under the new policy, any business owner or employee caught fighting back against an armed robber will be detained, processed, and released after being lectured on the importance of compliance. Meanwhile, the robber will be given a city-issued ‘Second Chance’ voucher, an Uber ride home, and a free steak dinner at Gaia Steakhouse with Orleans Parish District Attorney Jason Williams.
Critics argue the policy could encourage crime, but officials insist it will “streamline” law enforcement by eliminating unnecessary arrests of “non-traditional entrepreneurs.”
“We’re just leveling the playing field,” said the mayor. “Justice should be swift—and extremely convenient for repeat offenders.”
