BATON ROUGE, LA – Local woman Melissa Landreneau announced Saturday that a review of her mother’s kitchen drawer revealed her entire childhood had been financed through tiny rectangles cut from Community Coffee bags.
“I thought Daddy had a good job,” Landreneau said. “Apparently, Mawmaw drank enough dark roast to qualify as an institutional investor.”
The discovery began when Landreneau found several envelopes of labels her mother had guarded with the intensity normally reserved for property deeds.
She now believes every school improvement during the 1990s can be traced to six relatives who considered a twelve-cup pot a single serving.
“We got new playground equipment the same year Uncle Wayne started working nights,” she said. “I’m finally connecting the dots.”
Her mother declined to discuss individual contributions but confirmed that throwing away an unclipped coffee bag was treated as misappropriation of public funds.
Landreneau has since revised her childhood memories to reflect the family’s actual financial structure.
“We weren’t upper middle class,” she said. “We were medium-dark roast.”
