BATON ROUGE, LA – An emergency meeting of The Sadvocate Editorial Board was called Friday morning after Nissan announced it would discontinue the Altima next year, leaving staff writers uncertain how they will accurately portray reckless drivers, questionable life choices, and suspicious after hours parking lot activity moving forward.
For years, the Altima has quietly become one of the publication’s most dependable recurring characters, making appearances in stories involving road rage, uninsured motorists, police pursuits and anyone who somehow always seems to be in a bigger hurry than everyone else.
“This isn’t just another discontinued sedan,” a spokesman for The Sadvocate told reporters while standing beside a whiteboard labeled Altima Replacement Task Force. “This car has carried our satire for years. We’ve built an entire reputation around it. You can’t just replace that overnight with some random sedan and expect readers to accept it.”
At the meeting writers debated possible replacements, including the Dodge Charger, Infiniti G35, Chrysler 300 and Kia Soul. A formal scoring system was then created measuring each vehicle’s ability to appear naturally in stories involving chaos and most police incidents. After reviewing the results, committee members concluded every candidate excelled in one or two categories, but none possessed the Altima’s remarkable versatility.
The editorial board ultimately voted to grant all existing Nissan Altimas lifetime eligibility for future Sadvocate stories, citing confidence that Louisiana’s remaining fleet should continue providing dependable material for many years to come.
