CENTRAL, LA – Administrators of the top seven Central-area Rants & Raves Facebook groups declared a state of emergency Saturday afternoon after Mayor Wade Evans announced he would not seek reelection, triggering what experts are calling the largest collapse in locally generated Facebook content in city history.
According to Meta’s unofficial estimates, comment traffic plummeted 94% within minutes of the announcement, leaving moderators with little more than missing dog posts, garage sale announcements, and the occasional question asking if anyone knows when the Sullivan Road construction will be done.
“We weren’t prepared for this,” one anonymous moderator admitted. “For years, we could count on at least three Wade Evans debates before lunch. Now we’re approving posts about somebody’s escaped goat.”
Local residents reported staring blankly at their phones Saturday afternoon, unsure what to argue about after exhausting every possible opinion on the mayor’s withdrawal from the race in under two hours. Several longtime commenters reportedly attempted to revive old debates before realizing everyone had already moved on to discussing where the best plate lunch in Central can be found.
Several longtime commenters admitted they had already begun making plans, reluctantly, to spend the rest of the day talking to their spouses for the first time in months.
