Walker High Implements Policy Requiring Students to Buy $55 “Principal Handshake Tokens” Before Walking Stage
Walker High’s latest graduation policy requires seniors to buy $55 “Principal Handshake Tokens”, a new twist after the school already forced families to purchase brand-new caps and gowns this year.
Department of Revenue No Longer Accepting Cash, State Officials Still Only Accepting Cash
The Louisiana Department of Revenue will no longer accept cash for taxes, but state officials confirm they’re still very much a cash-only operation.
National Guard to Deploy in New Orleans Disguised as Carjackers and Murderers to Gain City Officials’ Trust
Governor Jeff Landry announced that National Guard troops entering New Orleans will now deploy disguised as local carjackers and murderers to gain the trust of city officials, who had previously opposed their presence for being “too law-enforcement adjacent.”
New Orleans Levee Authority Approves Tactical Gear, Still Unsure Who They’re Supposed to Shoot
The Flood Authority’s new SWAT-style unit will reportedly be trained in “tactical sandbagging” and “high-pressure hose control,” though officials admit they’re still “not sure who the enemy is.”
Customers Mistake Government Shutdown for Government Street Shutdown, Camp Overnight at Anthony’s to Secure Muffulettas
Baton Rouge residents camped outside Anthony’s Italian Deli after mistaking the federal government shutdown for a shutdown of Government Street. Locals feared losing access to muffulettas, prompting overnight lines, sleeping bags, and panic worthy of Black Friday.
Moreno Declines “Kiss of Death” Endorsement From Landrieu Following Kamala’s Faceplant After His Backing
Helena Moreno has sidestepped Mitch Landrieu’s unlucky endorsement streak, distancing herself from what some call the “kiss of death.”
Cleo Fields Explains Stock Purchase: “I Thought Oracle Was a Seafood Restaurant”
Rep. Cleo Fields defended his Oracle stock purchase by insisting he thought it was a seafood restaurant. After Googling the name during a committee break, Fields said he was “just trying to support local dining,” confusing oysters with cloud storage in a uniquely Baton Rouge mix-up.
Future Highland and Pecue Traffic Light to Be Showcased in National Museum of Poor Planning
Baton Rouge’s latest “upgrade” funnels thousands of interstate cars into a two-lane dead end at Highland and Pecue. Residents rejected a traffic circle, ensuring the new light will soon join Government Street construction as a permanent case study in dysfunction.
Seven LSU Anti-MAGA Protesters Detained, Parents Furious They Had to Miss Bingo Night to Come Pick Them Up
Seven LSU students were detained during a small anti-MAGA protest Wednesday, but the loudest complaints came from parents who had to leave bingo night early to pick them up.
DOTD to Install Wi-fi on Mississippi River Bridge So Commuters Can Stream Netflix While Stuck in Traffic
The DOTD has announced free Wi-Fi for the Mississippi River Bridge, admitting traffic won’t improve but commuters will at least be able to binge their favorite shows while waiting.
Governor Deploys National Guard to Baton Rouge, Orders Immediate Impound of All Altimas With Texas Plates
Governor Jeff Landry announced plans to deploy 1,000 National Guard troops in Baton Rouge, not for crime or disaster relief, but to seize every Nissan Altima with Texas plates. Officials say the crackdown could soon expand to Dodge Chargers and Camaros.
Orleans DA Scrambles to Hire Hundreds of Attorneys to Assist Dismissing Charges Ahead of National Guard’s Arrival
Orleans Parish DA’s office is scrambling to hire hundreds of attorneys ahead of the National Guard’s arrival, not to prosecute cases, but to dismiss them. Officials admit the new hires will be measured on “throughput, not outcomes,” as the city braces for mass revolving-door justice.
Officials Say 27-28 College Championship Game Will Be Safe, Provided You Don’t Bring a Purse, Wallet, or Vehicle
City officials assured fans the 2027 title game will be perfectly safe, as long as they don’t bring purses, wallets, or vehicles into New Orleans.
Governor Landry Approves Ban on AI, Says Louisiana Will Remain “Proudly Behind the Curve”
Louisiana banned AI in state offices this week, with Governor Jeff Landry vowing to keep the state “proudly behind the curve.” State employees are now ordered to stick to cursive, fax machines, and old relatives who “know computers.”
Coach Kelly Skips Monday Press Conference, Claims He’s Still in Concussion Protocol from Watching the Defense
LSU’s head coach skipped today’s press conference, citing “concussion protocol” after watching his defense collapse for four quarters. Reporters were left with an empty podium, while fans questioned if silence is now the Tigers’ only effective strategy.
NFL Fines New Orleans Saints For Impersonating Professional Football Team
The NFL has fined the New Orleans Saints for “impersonating a professional football team,” citing Sunday’s loss to Buffalo as the final straw. Officials say the money will be redirected to teach the offense basic football concepts, something fans claim has been missing for years.
Pointe Coupee Schools Consider Offering Perfect Attendance Award to Any Student Who Shows Up At Least Twice
Pointe Coupee Parish is lowering the bar for student attendance, proposing “perfect attendance” awards for anyone who shows up twice in a school year. Officials say it’s a realistic response to Louisiana’s second-worst truancy rate. Critics call it a concession-stand level achievement.
Walker High Principal Amends School Dress Code: Mouthguards and Headgear Required
A Louisiana high school has amended its dress code to require students to wear mouthguards and helmets during the school day. Officials say the policy is meant to keep kids safe after a cafeteria fight, though parents argue it sounds more like UFC training than education.
Tyrell Morris Found Guilty of Malfeasance, Immediately Nominated to Head New Orleans Ethics Board
Tyrell Morris’s guilty verdict didn’t slow him down, it sped up his career. In true New Orleans fashion, the former 911 director has already been tapped to chair the city’s Ethics Board, proving once again that corruption is the city’s most reliable job qualification.
Ole Miss Declares Themselves 2007 BCS Champions After Watching the Game on TV
Ole Miss has once again crowned itself a champion, this time of the 2007 BCS National Title, which they claim they earned from watching LSU win on TV. It’s not their first revision, back in 2003, they lost to LSU but still hung a “SEC West Champs” sign.
City of Gonzales Rejects Hispanic Gala, Demands Everyone Pretend the Original Name Was From An Italian Named Antonio Gonzales
The Gonzales City Council rejected funding for the Hispanic Heritage Gala, insisting the town’s name has nothing to do with Hispanic culture. Officials claimed it came from “Tony Gonzalez, a hardworking Italian plumber,” leaving locals baffled at the city’s new heritage-free approach to history.
Jimmy Kimmel Show Returns to ABC, Draws Less Viewers Than a 3 a.m. ShamWow Infomercial
Jimmy Kimmel is back on ABC, but his ratings are still trailing behind a 3 a.m. ShamWow infomercial. Despite promotion, fewer viewers tuned in than for weather radar loops and old reruns, making his suspension look like the high point of his career.
Denham Springs Threatens to Pull Church’s Chicken License Over 1912 Law Banning Churches From Selling Meat
Denham Springs officials unearthed a 1912 ordinance banning churches from selling meat, putting Church’s Chicken in the crosshairs. The council insists it’s just “following the law,” though residents say it’s the dumbest legal argument since Prohibition.
Bourbon Street Barriers Awarded City’s First-Ever Participation Trophy in Public Safety
New Orleans has officially honored Bourbon Street’s weakest defenders: the push-over barriers. In a ceremony dripping with irony, city officials awarded them the first-ever Participation Trophy in Public Safety, celebrating not success, but the sheer audacity of just showing up every day.
Louisiana Legislature Considers Joining LHSAA Just to Get Something Passed This Year
Lawmakers at the State Capitol admitted they’re so tired of gridlock that the LHSAA might actually be better at running things. If the association can rule a star athlete ineligible overnight, legislators joked, maybe it’s time they merged the House of Representatives into Division I.
ICE Detainees Give Angola Kitchen Zero Stars On Yelp, Say They’d Rather Starve Than Order Again
Angola’s cafeteria has officially bottomed out on Yelp, with ICE detainees unanimously giving the kitchen zero stars. Many say starvation is preferable to the gray, flavorless meals, proving even a captive audience won’t tolerate mystery meat disguised as dinner.
Alcohol Permit Approved After Denham Springs Confesses They’re Still Recovering From Last Sadvocate Article
After two denials, Denham Springs council finally approved Mustard Seed Creamery’s liquor license, not out of civic duty, but sheer fear of another Sadvocate roasting. Officials admitted the satire hit harder than any drink on the menu.
$20M Baton Rouge Airport Taxiway Stalled by $19M Nutria Relocation Study
Baton Rouge Metro Airport’s taxiway expansion has been grounded, not by planes, but by nutria. EPA announced a $19 million study to determine the best way to relocate the rodents before any construction begins, delaying progress before the project even starts.
Trump Suggests Governor Landry Deploy National Guard to Replace Saints Offensive Line
Trump proposed Governor Jeff Landry deploy the National Guard to the Superdome, claiming soldiers would provide “tremendous discipline” and “no false starts.” Landry didn’t rule it out, hinting that public safety now includes preventing Rattler from being sacked every other play.
Gonzales Mayor : City Employees Must Have Permission Slip With Parent’s Signature to Speak at Council Meetings
Gonzales City Hall has gone full classroom, with Mayor Arceneaux requiring permission slips from employees before they speak to council. Complete with parental signatures, the policy threatens detentions and awkward phone calls home for rulebreakers, making civic duty feel more like homeroom.