Mayor Cantrell Asks School Board if They’ll Take a Post-Dated $10 Million Check for Payment
After being ordered to pay $10 million to the Orleans Parish School Board, Mayor LaToya Cantrell reportedly handed over a post-dated check, reassuring officials, “Y’all don’t run that yet, I’m waiting on my taxes to hit, k?” The school board is still considering its options.
EBR Parish Prison Inmates Request Transfer to Mosquito Control Facility, Citing Better Living Conditions
Baton Rouge inmates are demanding a transfer—not to another prison, but to the city’s high-tech mosquito control facility, which boasts air conditioning, working plumbing, and walls that don’t threaten to collapse. “Must be nice to be a can of pesticide,” one inmate said.
Secret Service No Longer Required to Carry Narcan After Hunter Biden’s Security Detail Gets the Axe
With Hunter Biden’s Secret Service detail officially cut, agents no longer have to carry Narcan “just in case.” Insiders say the biggest cost savings won’t be from medical supplies—but from emergency dry cleaning and last-minute hotel damage deposits.
Mayor Cantrell Declares D.C. a Suburb of New Orleans to Circumvent Travel Ban
Facing a travel ban, Mayor Cantrell found a loophole—simply redefining Washington, D.C. as part of New Orleans. Meanwhile, locals worry DA Jason Williams might start dropping charges for Congress members.
Trump to Ukraine: ‘You Can Pay for Weapons with Trump NFTs, Very Valuable!’
In what might be the boldest financial strategy since Trump Steaks, former President Donald Trump has proposed that Ukraine pay for U.S. military aid using Trump NFTs. While President Zelenskyy was reportedly ‘unimpressed,’ insiders claim Putin is considering investing—just in case they skyrocket in value.
Al Green Responds to Censure by Holding Up an Uno Reverse Card on House Floor
In a stunning act of defiance, Rep. Al Green held up an Uno Reverse card after his censure, leaving Congress bewildered and questioning if House rules allowed for such a move.
Governor Mandates Live Beavers at Every Louisiana Buc-ee’s, Citing Lifelong Love for Them
Governor Jeff Landry has mandated a live beaver at every Buc-ee’s in Louisiana, citing his deep, lifelong passion for beavers—one that started in college and only grew stronger.