State Encourages Landowners to Think of Carbon Capture Land Seizures as “Involuntary Environmentalism”
Landowners are being encouraged to view forced participation in carbon storage as a meaningful contribution to the environment they didn’t agree to make.
District Court Tests Pilot Program Letting Violent Offenders Pre-Schedule Their Next Release
Baton Rouge courts are rolling out a new pilot program aimed at efficiency, and critics say it may be the most honest acknowledgment yet of how predictable the system has become.
Landry Pushes Trump to Open Strait of Hormuz to Licensed Louisiana Fishermen After Taking Him Fishing There
After Trump reportedly caught multiple mackerel in the Strait of Hormuz, Landry now wants Louisiana fishermen to have access to the same waters.
Zachary Neighbor Who Shut Down Go-Kart Track Now Drafting New Complaint Against Passing Cars
After shutting down a go-kart track, a Zachary neighbor is already working on her next complaint, this time targeting passing cars on a nearby highway.
Longtime Pothole Earns Landmark Status After Outlasting Several Mayors And Repair Budgets
A pothole on Airline Highway has officially achieved what most projects never do, completion through neglect and recognition through survival.
Delta Customers Establish Official “Bill Opening Support Group,” Urge Friends to Attend
Baton Rouge residents are no longer opening Delta bills alone, they’re hosting full “Bill Opening Nights” with friends just to confirm the numbers are actually real.
Local Rants & Raves Facebook Group Solves Absolutely Nothing for 47th Consecutive Day
One of Baton Rouge’s most active Facebook groups just hit an impressive streak, 47 straight days of solving absolutely nothing, while somehow generating hundreds of comments and even more confusion.
Man Completes Errand On Siegen Lane In Under 2 Hours, Declared Local Legend
A Baton Rouge man completed a full errand on Siegen Lane in under two hours, prompting officials to investigate what they’re calling a “temporary and highly suspicious lapse in traffic conditions.”
Baton Rouge Residents Begin Measuring Distance in “How Many Red Lights” Instead of Miles
Residents say the new system finally reflects reality, where a “quick trip” can mean sitting through four lights and watching the same car next to you age in real time.
Louisiana Named Most Stressful State, Officials Say Results Skewed by I-10 Traffic Alone
Louisiana just got ranked the most stressful state, but officials say the results are skewed by one very specific Baton Rouge experience that locals already consider a daily survival exercise.
City Park Golf Course to Seamlessly Integrate With LSU Lakes Project’s 35-Year Timeline
City officials say the redesigned City Park course will allow golfers to play alongside active construction, creating a “shared experience” with the LSU Lakes project for the next 35 years.
Landry Spends Two Days Training in North Louisiana Snow to Prepare for Greenland Envoy Role
Officials said the governor’s North Louisiana trip provided all the necessary exposure to ice, snow, and public frustration required to represent Louisiana interests abroad.
Zachary Launches New Code Enforcement System After Discovering Residents Have Been Ignoring Old One for Years
City officials say the upgraded system replaces handwritten complaints and months of inaction with a faster process designed to finally confirm that residents were never confused about the rules, just completely uninterested in following them.
Waze Adds “Shootings Along Your Route” Notices for Baton Rouge Commuters After Violent Weekend
Waze users noted the notices rarely change destinations, only routes, reflecting how quickly abnormal conditions have become part of everyday decision-making.
Louisiana Officials Confirm Calling to Report a Hands-Free Violation is Also a Hands-Free Violation
Louisiana officials confirmed that calling police to report a hands-free driving violation also counts as a hands-free violation, effectively ensuring every concerned citizen remains equally guilty.
East Baton Rouge Metro Council Accused of Violating State Constitution, Requests Copy to See What’s In It
A lawsuit alleges the Metro Council violated the state constitution, prompting members to request a copy to review what’s actually in it.
Donaldsonville Council Will Now Allow Cameras at Meetings, Requires All Footage Be Edited by Mayor’s Cousin Before Release
Donaldsonville leaders have unveiled a new approach to transparency that requires all meeting footage to be edited by the mayor’s cousin before the public ever sees it.
In Lieu of Raises, City-Parish Authorizes BRPD to Deliver for DoorDash and UberEats in Patrol Vehicles
City leaders insist the SIDE HUSTLE UNIT will “boost retention,” but officers argue that when a department relies on gig-app deliveries to keep paychecks afloat, retention might not be the core issue anymore.
Pelicans Fire Head Coach After Team Shooting Percentage Falls Below Cantrell’s Approval Rating
The Pelicans cut ties with Willie Green after the team’s shooting numbers dipped under Mayor LaToya Cantrell’s approval rating, a statistical crisis no one believed possible until this season.
Carbon Capture Executives Celebrate: “Finally, a Pollution Crisis We Get Paid to Cause”
Carbon capture has given industry executives the perfect business model. Profit from the pollution, then profit again from pretending to clean it up.
Meta’s $10 Billion Louisiana Data Center Now $27 Billion After State Adds “Miscellaneous” Line Item
Louisiana’s $10 billion Meta project ballooned to $27 billion after state officials added a single “miscellaneous” line item that cost more than the original facility.
Escaped Tulane Research Monkeys File HIPAA Lawsuit Over Medical Record Leak
Escaped research monkeys are suing Louisiana media outlets for allegedly leaking their medical records. The lawsuit cites “irreparable emotional distress” and a “loss of public reputation,” with lawyers demanding both damages and a formal apology written in sign language.
HIV-Infected Monkeys From Tulane Escape Into Mississippi, Boost State’s Average IQ by Historic Margin
Mississippi health officials confirmed that escaped Tulane monkeys, reportedly infected with several diseases, have accidentally improved the state’s average IQ.
Half of Congressional Map Protestors Arrive Late After Misreading Map With Directions to Capitol
A demonstration to defend Louisiana’s congressional map took an ironic turn Monday when half the crowd couldn’t find the Capitol, after using the very map they were fighting to keep.
LSU Announces Plans to Relocate Entire Campus to St. George “For Safety”
LSU has announced plans to relocate its entire campus off Highland Road in St. George, citing safety concerns after a string of recent shootings near campus. Officials say the new location offers “safety, serenity, and better coffee options.”
LSU Board Holds Emergency Meeting, Renames Thomas Boyd Hall After 1920s Musket Incident Resurfaces
LSU’s Board of Supervisors convened at 2 a.m. to erase Thomas Boyd’s name after learning he once fired a musket indoors, a response officials say will “restore campus safety through symbolism.
Ethics Board Says Collecting $2.7 Million in Outstanding Ethics Fines Would Set Dangerous Precedent of Accountability
Auditors found $2.7 million in unpaid ethics fines, but the Louisiana Ethics Board says it’s choosing a “gentler approach” hoping offenders “just feel bad eventually.”
Thieves Break Into Cam Jordan’s Home, Leave Broncos Defensive Highlight Reels Scattered About Before Fleeing
Police say burglars broke into Cam Jordan’s home and mysteriously left behind VHS tapes labeled Broncos Defense, an act investigators are calling both “bizarre” and “probably helpful.”
Department of Revenue No Longer Accepting Cash, State Officials Still Only Accepting Cash
The Louisiana Department of Revenue will no longer accept cash for taxes, but state officials confirm they’re still very much a cash-only operation.
New Orleans Levee Authority Approves Tactical Gear, Still Unsure Who They’re Supposed to Shoot
The Flood Authority’s new SWAT-style unit will reportedly be trained in “tactical sandbagging” and “high-pressure hose control,” though officials admit they’re still “not sure who the enemy is.”