BATON ROUGE, LA – An extended warranty spam caller will return to work Wednesday facing the difficult task of convincing Americans that a stranger texting them for money could still be acting in good faith.
“Politicians have done tremendous damage to this profession,” said a spokesman for the Extended Warranty Spam Callers Association of America and India. “People see an unknown number now and immediately assume somebody wants $15 to stop socialism.”
The spokesman said his first priority is restoring basic industry standards, including limiting final notices to three per week and never suggesting a customer’s failure to purchase transmission coverage would disappoint his grandmother.
“We’ve always used fear,” he explained. “But we had the decency to make it about a specific warranty coverage.”
He also acknowledged rebuilding trust would take time, particularly among customers who had replied STOP to 43 candidates.
By noon, he had received his first response.
“Thank God,” it read. “What do you need, my Social Security number?”
