BATON ROUGE, LA – Fresh off a ceremonial shift at a local McDonald’s celebrating Louisiana’s new law protecting retail and food service workers, Governor Jeff Landry announced that he has identified a new public enemy: whoever keeps breaking the restaurant’s ice cream machines.
Witnesses say Landry’s shift was proceeding smoothly until a customer attempted to order a McFlurry and was informed that the machine was once again out of service.
According to sources, the governor immediately paused his duties, removed his headset, and began what staff described as a “very serious investigation.”
“At first I thought he was joking,” said one employee. “Then he started asking for witness statements, maintenance records, and the names of anyone who had been within 50 feet of the machine.”
The governor reportedly spent the next 45 minutes interviewing employees and reviewing security footage before concluding that the repeated failures appeared too consistent to be accidental.
Landry later warned the unidentified suspect that Louisiana recently has 18,000 acres in angola and that the state was fully prepared to accommodate anyone found responsible.
“Someone has been getting away with this for years,” Landry allegedly said while staring directly at the darkened dessert menu. “That ends today.”
The Sadvocate was unable to independently verify reports that Landry has asked Louisiana State Police to explore opening a new Baton Rouge field office, tentatively named “McTroop,” to coordinate the ongoing investigation.
