NEW ORLEANS, LA – Facing growing backlash over allegations of orchestrating “fake trials,” Orleans Parish District Attorney Jason Williams held a hastily arranged press conference Tuesday morning, though reporters quickly noticed the podium appeared to be a folding table in front of a vinyl backdrop that read “Totally Real Justice Building.”
Flanked by cardboard cutouts of courtroom staff and what appeared to be a Magic 8-Ball labeled “Verdict Assistant,” Williams confidently addressed accusations that his office strategically avoids jury trials and relies on technicalities to secure acquittals without taking political heat.
“These aren’t fake trials,” Williams insisted, gesturing toward a flatscreen looping stock footage of what appeared to be the set of the 1980s television show Matlock. “They’re minimalist justice experiences. We’re just cutting out the fluff, you know, like evidence, juries… oh, and consequences.”
The Governor retweeted the story with the caption, “You’ve got to be kidding me,” and has asked the Attorney General to investigate. Meanwhile, Williams closed the briefing by announcing a new policy: all trials will now be streamed exclusively on TikTok, with live viewer polls determining the defendants fake guilt or innocence.
As reporters packed up, staff wheeled away the fake courtroom set, revealing the entire press conference had taken place in the abandoned upstairs lounge of the Canal Street Walgreens.
