BATON ROUGE – Following the suspension of Criminal Tracking Services (CTS) for repeatedly failing to track people wearing devices specifically designed for tracking, Baton Rouge courts have quickly rebounded by hiring a new ankle monitor provider whose motto is refreshingly honest: “We’ll at least act like we’re trying.”
The new company, PretenSecure, promises to simulate the experience of being monitored through fake dashboard alerts, randomized buzzes, and an app that occasionally crashes “for realism.”
“We can’t guarantee defendants won’t wander off,” said PretenSecure’s regional director, “but we do promise that someone in our office will squint at a screen every now and then while sighing loudly.”
Judicial officials say the decision to go with PretenSecure was based on their strong PowerPoint and a branded coffee tumbler handed out during negotiations.
Meanwhile, CTS issued a farewell statement: “We may be gone, but our monitors are still out there… somewhere.”
