BATON ROUGE, LA – In response to a recent brawl that broke out inside a Baton Rouge courtroom—and following the disciplinary hearings of not one but two judges—officials at the 19th Judicial District Courthouse have announced a groundbreaking new policy: mandatory weigh-ins at the front entrance.
“Since most hearings eventually turn into shouting matches and and then fights, we figured we might as well lean into it,” said a courthouse spokesperson while duct-taping turnbuckles to the judge’s bench. “We’ll handle the arraignments in the morning, then the undercard dockets by lunch.”
Visitors are now required to step onto the official courthouse scale, state their name, charges, and weight class. Litigants weighing within five pounds of each other will be paired for live proceedings, which will be decided by either judge, jury, or unanimous knockout.
The DA’s office praised the plan, noting it “restores order, revenue, and a healthy respect for uppercuts.” Meanwhile, judges continue arguing over whether fights should be scheduled before or after motions to suppress.
