BATON ROUGE, LA – The East Baton Rouge School Board has officially approved Superintendent Lamont Cole’s grand realignment plan, a strategy some are calling “historic,” and others are calling “just historic levels of confusion.”
Under the new blueprint, nine schools will close, over 10,000 students will be shuffled around like a district-wide shell game, and parents will be left wondering whether they need a school map or a Ouija board to find their child’s new classroom.
Capitol High School — a historic landmark — will be shuttered, a move administrators insist is “necessary for progress,” although no one could quite define what the word “progress” meant when pressed for details.
In his remarks, Cole promised the realignment would lead to better outcomes, though he carefully avoided explaining how simply swapping addresses would magically fix decades of systemic issues. “You can rearrange the deck chairs,” one parent sighed, “but it’s still the same cruise ship.”
Meanwhile, district officials have reassured the public that, while the buildings may change, beloved traditions like overcrowding, transportation fiascos, and cafeteria chicken patties hard enough to deflect small arms fire will continue uninterrupted.
Parents are encouraged to check the district website daily — or hourly — for updates, revisions, and inevitable apologies.
