BATON ROUGE, La. – In a shocking development, local criminals have formed a Thieves’ Union to demand safer working conditions, citing not just rising crime but the increasing risk of getting shot while committing crimes.

“It used to be simple—stick ‘em up, grab the cash, run,” said self-proclaimed Union President Lil’ Ricky. “Now, you gotta worry about getting robbed while robbing someone, or worse, catching a stray bullet from some trigger-happy amateur.”

Union demands include designated robbery zones, protection from rival criminals, and a strict “No Shooting Other Criminals While Working” policy. Members are also requesting increased police patrols—not to stop crime, but to ensure fair and orderly criminal activity.

“We’re not anti-crime,” said union spokesman Big T. “We’re anti-chaos.”

Union leaders have threatened to strike if their demands aren’t met—though residents remain unsure what a crime strike actually looks like.