Ole Miss Fans Form Task Force to Investigate Why Their Feelings Didn’t Override a $4 Million Raise for Kiffin
Ole Miss fans have formed TEARS, a taskforce investigating how their hurt feelings failed to outweigh a multimillion-dollar raise, despite overwhelming evidence that $4 million tends to win negotiations.
Lane Kiffin Says He Chose LSU For Tradition, Passion, And “The Unmatched Quality Of Baton Rouge Gas Station Food”
Lane Kiffin’s first LSU press appearance took an unexpected turn when he praised Baton Rouge’s gas-station cuisine as a deciding factor in his move. Fans shrugged, noting that understanding hot-bar culture is practically a requirement for the job.
Kiffin Saga Forces Louisiana Men To Admit They Haven’t Heard a Word Their Wives Said For Two Solid Weeks
Experts say the statewide “Kiffin trance” wiped out all male listening skills for nearly two weeks, leaving wives talking to human statues who only responded to coaching-news keywords.
Todd Graves and Gordon McKernan Race to File for Sole Custody of Lane Kiffin in Baton Rouge City Court
Lane Kiffin hasn’t even landed in Louisiana, but that didn’t stop two of Baton Rouge’s biggest personalities from sprinting to City Court to claim exclusive custody rights before the ink on his contract even dries.
LSU Realizes Refusing to Pay Contract Buyout While Actively Searching for a New Coach May Have Sent Wrong Message
LSU officials admitted that refusing to pay Brian Kelly’s buyout was sending the wrong message while they were actively trying to hire someone new.
Louisiana Housing Corporation Official Resigns, Board Proud To Announce Absolutely Nothing Will Change
The Louisiana Housing Corporation confirmed a top official’s resignation and immediately reassured the public that absolutely nothing will change.
Zach Bryan Agrees to Play at LSU, Demands All Concession Stands Serve Drinks With No Ice
Zach Bryan’s LSU concert will now serve room-temperature drinks after the singer demanded all concessions remove ice to “avoid mixed signals.”
CATS CFO Quits Amid Pressure To Explain Why a $30 Million Budget Only Produces Two Working Buses
The former CATS CFO resigned after being asked to justify how a thirty million dollar budget results in fewer operational buses than most school field trips.
Jeff Landry and LSU AD Plan to Camp Outside Jimmy Sexton’s Office Hoping to Snag a Black Friday Doorbuster Deal on Kiffin
Governor Jeff Landry and LSU’s AD will camp outside Jimmy Sexton’s office later this week, hoping to snag Lane Kiffin at a Black Friday doorbuster rate.
Mayor-Elect Says No One Told Her Who the Blue-Uniformed People Are, Despite News Confirming They’re the NOPD
The mayor-elect says she has “zero official information” on officers in blue uniforms, despite every news outlet confirming they’re the police.
Lane Kiffin Considers Committing to LSU Before Thanksgiving To Avoid Having to Tell Anyone He Coached In The Egg Bowl
Lane Kiffin is rumored to be eyeing LSU, and insiders say it has less to do with football and more to do with avoiding the public shame of coaching in something called the Egg Bowl.
LSU Board Grants President Rousse Power to Fire Any Coach Who Tries to Speak With a Fake Louisiana Accent
LSU’s new rule lets the president fire any coach who tries out a fake Louisiana accent, a policy clearly inspired by one very memorable “faaaam-uh-leeeee” moment.
Library Unveils $40 Million Ballroom Plan, Says It’s Needed To Host Events Explaining Why They Need Even More Money
The East Baton Rouge Library is celebrating a $40 million ballroom, claiming it’s the perfect venue to explain why they need even more money.
Nungesser Slams Operation Swamp Sweep, Says It Threatens His Sacred Ritual of Eating Every Fried Thing in Sight
Lt. Gov. Billy Nungesser slammed the federal “Operation Swamp Sweep” crackdown, warning it could jeopardize his nonstop tradition of sampling every deep-fried object in Louisiana.
NOPD to End Federal Consent Decree, Chief Says She’ll Celebrate With Some Prunes and a Nice Long Nap
NOPD is finally off federal supervision, and the chief is celebrating with prunes and a powerful afternoon nap.
Moreno Expresses Concern That Federal Raids May Create an “Unwelcoming Atmosphere” for Criminals in New Orleans
Councilwoman Helena Moreno warned that federal raids could create an “unwelcoming atmosphere” for New Orleans criminals, arguing the city has spent years cultivating a space where offenders can operate freely.
EBR Metro Council Tables Access Badge Investigation to Focus on More Important Matter of Who Keeps Taking the Good Stapler
The Metro Council has officially shelved the Wade Evans badge drama to tackle a far greater internal crisis: the ongoing disappearance of the one good stapler.
Lane Kiffin Reconsiders LSU Job After His Plane Is Stolen and Found on Cinder Blocks off Siegen Lane
Lane Kiffin’s jet vanished from Baton Rouge Metro Airport only to reappear on cinder blocks behind Siegen Lane like it owed someone money. The heist has reportedly made the Ole Miss coach “rethink everything” about the LSU job.
Kiffin and Wife Say They’ll Decide on LSU “In the Coming Weeks,” Daughter Says She Likes the Sound of That
Lane Kiffin’s wife toured LSU and hinted a decision would come “in the coming Weeks,” a phrase that immediately delighted Kiffin’s daughter.
Pelicans Fire Head Coach After Team Shooting Percentage Falls Below Cantrell’s Approval Rating
The Pelicans cut ties with Willie Green after the team’s shooting numbers dipped under Mayor LaToya Cantrell’s approval rating, a statistical crisis no one believed possible until this season.
Kelly Takes Credit for LSU’s Win Over Arkansas Saturday, Insists He Still Isn’t Fired “As Far as He Knows.”
Brian Kelly took to Facebook after LSU’s win, posting a selfie and insisting he’s still the Tigers’ head coach because no one has officially fired him “to his face.”
Governor Jeff Landry Issues Executive Order for ‘Keep Tiger Town Beautiful’ to Clean Up The LSU Athletic Dept
Governor Jeff Landry has issued an executive order for Keep Tiger Town Beautiful to clean up the LSU Athletic Dept.
State Officials Will Dispose of Smitty’s Toxic Sludge in Jefferson Parish After Assuming “Sure, Whatever” Counted as Consent
State regulators greenlit shipments of Smitty’s sludge to Jefferson Parish after mistaking a distracted “sure, whatever” as formal approval.
AG Intern Spots Missing Artifact While Perusing Schexnayder’s “Hunting Camp” Facebook Photo Feed
An AG intern scrolling through Clay Schexnayder’s hunting camp photos accidentally cracked the state’s biggest missing-artifact case by spotting a 1,264-year-old board being used as an ATV ramp.
Bond Commission Signs Off on New Orleans’ Loan After Requesting the City Provide a Current Phone Bill and Proof of Residence
State officials approved New Orleans’ emergency loan only after the city provided a current phone bill and proof of residence, requirements typically reserved for college freshmen renting their first apartment.
Councilman Graves in Zachary Requests Streets Dept. Provide a Map of All Hyperlinks in the City
A simple proposal to add hyperlinks to ordinance drafts collapsed into confusion when Councilman James Graves asked the city to “chart out where the hyperlinks physically run.”
Brian Kelly Withdraws Lawsuit After Finding LSU Termination Email in AOL Spam Folder
Brian Kelly’s $54 million lawsuit against LSU ended abruptly after he found his termination notice buried in his AOL spam folder, right between a FanDuel ad and a “You’ve Got Mail” reminder.
Denham Springs Council Approves Convention Center, Prohibits Any Conventions From Taking Place Inside
The Denham Springs City Council approved a new $45 million convention center, but made sure to prohibit any conventions from actually taking place inside.
LSU Reaches Deal With Brian Kelly: One Free Caniac Combo Per Month Through 2035
LSU avoided a $54 million payout by giving Brian Kelly a free Caniac Combo once a month for ten years. Baton Rouge calls it “the most Louisiana settlement ever.”
Mayor Sparks Media Outrage by Hiring Qualified CAO, Violating Decades-Old Baton Rouge Custom
Mayor Sid Edwards is under fire for ending Baton Rouge’s proud City Hall tradition of hiring unqualified administrators by selecting a CAO who actually knows what she’s doing.