BATON ROUGE, LA – In a move that lowered already low expectations for governmental productivity, the EBR Metro Council announced Wednesday that it is temporarily abandoning the debate over Central Mayor Wade Evans’ City Hall access badge.
Councilman Darryl Hurst, whose finely tuned investigative instincts turned that access card into a full-blown “scandal,” immediately pivoted to an even more pressing crisis. He is now calling for the creation of the Investigative Division for Internal Office Theft (I.D.I.O.T.) task force to hunt down whoever keeps taking the good stapler from the council workroom.
The IDIOT team will reportedly conduct a full audit of desk drawers, perform surprise inspections, and compare staple brands found throughout the building for “pattern consistency.” One aide said the effort is necessary because the ongoing stapler disappearances have created a workplace atmosphere defined by suspicion, frustration, and entirely too much unsecured paperwork.
The missing stapler, described by employees as “the only one that doesn’t jam if you try to staple more than five pages”, has vanished four times in two weeks. Tensions reached a boiling point during Monday’s committee meeting when Councilwoman Laurie Adams attempted to attach two sheets of paper and was forced to use a binder clip. She later described the moment as “humiliating.” Adams told a colleague the only thing worse would be if “those guys at The Sadvocate found out and wrote about it.”
After the stapler culprit is brought to justice, the IDIOT task force plans to resume its investigation of how an elected official in East Baton Rouge managed to gain access to an East Baton Rouge public facility without causing the collapse of local democracy. Some council members insist the stakes “could not possibly be lower.”
