BATON ROUGE, LA – In a move that instantly clarified the university’s priorities, the LSU Board of Supervisors approved a new rule giving newly appointed LSU President Wade Rousse the sweeping authority to immediately terminate any coach, past or present, who attempts a forced “Looz-ee-ana” accent while speaking to fans, media, or unsuspecting donors.
Officials said the rule wasn’t specifically aimed at Brian Kelly, although they admitted it was inspired by “a certain someone who walked into a basketball arena sounding like he learned English from a Bourbon Street tour guide.” The board stressed the rule is necessary to prevent future embarrassment and to discourage coaches from trying to win recruiting battles with borrowed vowels.
Legal analysts say the policy is written broadly enough to allow the president to fire not just current employees, but any former coach who even thinks about reviving a drawl during litigation. One board member, who asked not to be named, said the rule also covers “any coach who elongates the word ‘family’ for dramatic effect.”
Administrators say they hope the policy restores trust, but warned that additional rules may be needed if coaches continue experimenting with regional dialects after just one fried catfish poboy from Phil’s Oyster Bar.
