Kelly Takes Credit for LSU’s Win Over Arkansas Saturday, Insists He Still Isn’t Fired “As Far as He Knows.”
Brian Kelly took to Facebook after LSU’s win, posting a selfie and insisting he’s still the Tigers’ head coach because no one has officially fired him “to his face.”
Brian Kelly Withdraws Lawsuit After Finding LSU Termination Email in AOL Spam Folder
Brian Kelly’s $54 million lawsuit against LSU ended abruptly after he found his termination notice buried in his AOL spam folder, right between a FanDuel ad and a “You’ve Got Mail” reminder.
LSU Interfraternity Council Expands Hazing Rules to Include “Forcing Pledges to Watch A&M Replay”
LSU’s Interfraternity Council has officially expanded its hazing policy to include “forcing pledges to watch the LSU–Texas A&M replay,” describing the act as psychological cruelty.
Delivery Truck Spotted Dropping Off Cases of Headsets at LSU, Saban Rumors Ignite Across Baton Rouge
Baton Rouge erupted Friday after a delivery truck unloaded pallets of headsets at Tiger Stadium, instantly reigniting rumors of Nick Saban’s possible return.
Brian Kelly Files Infringement Suit Against LSU for Using His Trademarked “Up the Middle on 3rd and Long” Play
Kelly insists LSU owes him royalties for running his “intellectual property of incompetence,” describing the 3rd-and-long quarterback draw as “a masterpiece of confusion and regret.”
LSU’s Offensive Playbook Discovered to Be Just One Page That Says “Screen Pass”
LSU fans were shocked to learn that the team’s offensive playbook consists of a single laminated page reading “Screen Pass.” Officials are calling it a “historic artifact” that continues to ensure predictability.
LSU Athletics Staff to Operate on 8-Hour Contracts Under Rousse’s New “Interim Forever” Plan
LSU President Wade Rousse has announced a radical “Interim Forever” plan placing all athletics staff on 8-hour contracts, ensuring LSU remains “nimble, responsive, and always in a state of mild panic.”
LSU Press Conference Tablecloth Enters Transfer Portal After Being Blamed for Program’s Image Problems
LSU’s press conference tablecloth has officially entered the transfer portal after being blamed for the school’s latest optics crisis, citing “unrealistic expectations” and “a toxic work environment.”
Governor Assumes Roles of LSU President, AD, and Head Football Coach, Rebrands It as Landry State University
Governor Jeff Landry has officially taken over LSU, assuming the roles of president, athletic director, and head coach in what he calls a “streamlined model of leadership efficiency.”
Local Dry Cleaners Rejoice as James Carville Vows to Burn His 1997 LSU Polo Collection
Local dry cleaners across Baton Rouge say they’ve never been happier than hearing James Carville will finally burn his decades-old LSU polos. “They were more sweat than shirt,” one cleaner admitted, calling it a “major victory for fabric and sanity.”
Entire LSU Football Program Revealed to Be Advanced EA Sports Simulation Being Operated by Nick Saban
A whistleblower found the Tiger Stadium control console running an EA Sports simulation coded entirely by Nick Saban.
Trump Agrees to Pick LSU Football Coach If Landry Promises to Replace the Tiger Eye With His Portrait at Midfield
Governor Jeff Landry is rumored to have accepted Trump’s offer to select LSU’s next coach in exchange for a few “minor artistic liberties.” The President wants his portrait painted at midfield, complete with glowing eyes and a celestial victory halo.
LSU Appoints DOTD Head to Oversee Brian Kelly Buyout, Guarantees It’ll Drag Out Until at Least 2034
LSU has turned to the one Louisiana agency truly qualified to stretch a project beyond all reason: DOTD. Officials say the buyout should be complete just in time for Kelly’s grandchildren to receive the final payment.
Governor Landry Clarifies LSU Statue Suggestion, Meant Captain Kirk, Not Charlie
Governor Jeff Landry clarified his earlier statue proposal, explaining he’d meant Captain Kirk from Star Trek, not conservative pundit Charlie Kirk.
LSU Cancels Ticket Price Hike Amid Backlash, Introduces Mandatory $35 Fee to Leave Stadium
After criticism of rising game-day costs, LSU announced a new policy: no increase to ticket prices, but a mandatory $35 Stadium Exit Fee will be charged when fans leave the game.
Scott Woodward Applies for Student Loan to Pay Kelly Buyout Because Technically Its an Expensive Lesson
LSU Athletic Director Scott Woodward has reportedly applied for a federal student loan to fund Brian Kelly’s buyout, calling it “a hands-on course in catastrophic financial planning.”
LSU Fraternities Shocked to Learn They’re Responsible for Everything Bad That Happens Within a Two-Mile Radius
After two shootings involving non-students, Louisiana’s Senate President called for a ban on fraternity tailgating, prompting students to wonder if they’d soon be blamed for traffic, humidity, or the Saints’ offensive line.
LSU Students Warn Closing Unity Field to Tailgaters Could Push Violence to Less Convenient Locations
LSU students are pushing back against the closure of Unity Field, claiming the decision unfairly forces local violence to move to less convenient parts of campus.
State Police to Deploy Taco Bell Pop-Ups on North Side of Campus to Deter Anyone Stoned From Entering During Home Games
LSU’s new safety plan includes 12 mobile Taco Bell pop-ups meant to lure “munchies-motivated individuals” off campus before trouble starts.
LSU Announces Plans to Relocate Entire Campus to St. George “For Safety”
LSU has announced plans to relocate its entire campus off Highland Road in St. George, citing safety concerns after a string of recent shootings near campus. Officials say the new location offers “safety, serenity, and better coffee options.”
LSU Board Holds Emergency Meeting, Renames Thomas Boyd Hall After 1920s Musket Incident Resurfaces
LSU’s Board of Supervisors convened at 2 a.m. to erase Thomas Boyd’s name after learning he once fired a musket indoors, a response officials say will “restore campus safety through symbolism.
LSU Hires Ed Orgeron as Head of Tailgate Security, Contract Includes Furnished Condo Near Sorority Row
LSU hires Ed Orgeron as Head of Tailgate Security, complete with a campus apartment near Sorority Row and full control over gameday cooler logistics.
LSU to Add Gunfire and Police Siren Sound Effects to Future Hype Playlist So Nobody Notices the Real Ones
LSU officials say the new “realistic” game-day playlist, complete with sirens and gunfire, will help fans stop panicking when they hear the real thing near the North Gates.
Seven LSU Anti-MAGA Protesters Detained, Parents Furious They Had to Miss Bingo Night to Come Pick Them Up
Seven LSU students were detained during a small anti-MAGA protest Wednesday, but the loudest complaints came from parents who had to leave bingo night early to pick them up.
Coach Kelly Skips Monday Press Conference, Claims He’s Still in Concussion Protocol from Watching the Defense
LSU’s head coach skipped today’s press conference, citing “concussion protocol” after watching his defense collapse for four quarters. Reporters were left with an empty podium, while fans questioned if silence is now the Tigers’ only effective strategy.
Ole Miss Declares Themselves 2007 BCS Champions After Watching the Game on TV
Ole Miss has once again crowned itself a champion, this time of the 2007 BCS National Title, which they claim they earned from watching LSU win on TV. It’s not their first revision, back in 2003, they lost to LSU but still hung a “SEC West Champs” sign.
Rep. McMakin Named Voice of LSU; Immediately Drafts Resolution Requiring NECK to be Played After Touchdowns
Fans were stunned Tuesday when newly named LSU announcer and State Rep. Dixon McMakin filed an immediate resolution requiring the band to blast “Neck” following every touchdown at Tiger Stadium.
Governor Landry Condemns LSU Twerk Performance After Accidentally Streaming It 47 Times
Governor Jeff Landry slammed LSU’s “degenerate” twerk performance, though insiders say he accidentally streamed the routine 47 times. Staff claim he called each replay “necessary research,” leaving critics to wonder if his moral outrage had less to do with decency and more to do with his viewing habits.
Orgeron Plans to Send Ex-Wife to Several SEC Universities to Negotiate Coaching Return
Former LSU coach Ed Orgeron has turned his job search into a joint venture with his ex-wife, who recently won $8 million from his buyout. She’s now negotiating directly with Mississippi State, demanding signing bonuses and custody of season tickets.
LSU Board Unanimously Selects Dr. Geoffry Landreau as New President
LSU’s newly appointed president, Dr. Geoffry Landreau, has announced a bold new vision: energy firm partnerships, a Buc-ee’s on campus, and a Trump statue—because nothing says higher education like brisket, branding, and oil diplomacy.