LSU Says Releasing Athlete Pay Records to Media Would Jeopardize Ongoing Negotiations With Several High-End Car Dealerships
LSU says releasing athlete pay records could disrupt several delicate negotiations currently underway with high-end car dealerships, warning the disclosures could create serious competitive disadvantages in recruiting.
LSU Anti-War Protest Ends After Parents Show Up and Ground Several Participants
Heated geopolitical debate dissolved into questions about GPA requirements, laundry responsibilities, and who forgot to take the trash out before attempting regime change.
LSU to Post Ten Commandments In Classrooms, Seeks Football Season Exemption From Taking The Lord’s Name In Vain
As LSU prepares to post the Ten Commandments in classrooms under the new state mandate, officials quietly requested a football-season exemption from “Thou Shalt Not Take The Lord’s Name In Vain.”
LSU Offers Students Parking Fine Consolidation Loans With Competitive 9.8% APR
LSU students can now refinance their Starbucks parking tickets into a long-term loan, because nothing says higher education like 20 years of interest on a latte run.
LSU Officials Admit NBA YoungBoy Concert May Be First Event Where People Stay Through the End
LSU officials admit an NBA YoungBoy concert may finally test whether Tiger Stadium can hold a crowd until the end, something football, graduations, and weather delays have failed to accomplish.
Ole Miss Football Changes Facebook Relationship Status to “It’s Complicated” After Hiring LSU Interim Coach
Ole Miss insists hiring LSU’s interim coach was purely professional, a claim immediately undermined by its decision to label the entire situation “It’s Complicated” and refuse further questions.
Brian Kelly Offers to Coach ‘One Last Game’ After Reading About the Texas Bowl’s Cougar Hospitality Suite
Brian Kelly has decided he’s not quite done at LSU, and it definitely has nothing to do with the Texas Bowl’s Cougar Hospitality Suite.
Lane Kiffin Says He Chose LSU For Tradition, Passion, And “The Unmatched Quality Of Baton Rouge Gas Station Food”
Lane Kiffin’s first LSU press appearance took an unexpected turn when he praised Baton Rouge’s gas-station cuisine as a deciding factor in his move. Fans shrugged, noting that understanding hot-bar culture is practically a requirement for the job.
LSU Realizes Refusing to Pay Contract Buyout While Actively Searching for a New Coach May Have Sent Wrong Message
LSU officials admitted that refusing to pay Brian Kelly’s buyout was sending the wrong message while they were actively trying to hire someone new.
Zach Bryan Agrees to Play at LSU, Demands All Concession Stands Serve Drinks With No Ice
Zach Bryan’s LSU concert will now serve room-temperature drinks after the singer demanded all concessions remove ice to “avoid mixed signals.”
Jeff Landry and LSU AD Plan to Camp Outside Jimmy Sexton’s Office Hoping to Snag a Black Friday Doorbuster Deal on Kiffin
Governor Jeff Landry and LSU’s AD will camp outside Jimmy Sexton’s office later this week, hoping to snag Lane Kiffin at a Black Friday doorbuster rate.
Lane Kiffin Considers Committing to LSU Before Thanksgiving To Avoid Having to Tell Anyone He Coached In The Egg Bowl
Lane Kiffin is rumored to be eyeing LSU, and insiders say it has less to do with football and more to do with avoiding the public shame of coaching in something called the Egg Bowl.
LSU Board Grants President Rousse Power to Fire Any Coach Who Tries to Speak With a Fake Louisiana Accent
LSU’s new rule lets the president fire any coach who tries out a fake Louisiana accent, a policy clearly inspired by one very memorable “faaaam-uh-leeeee” moment.
Kelly Takes Credit for LSU’s Win Over Arkansas Saturday, Insists He Still Isn’t Fired “As Far as He Knows.”
Brian Kelly took to Facebook after LSU’s win, posting a selfie and insisting he’s still the Tigers’ head coach because no one has officially fired him “to his face.”
Brian Kelly Withdraws Lawsuit After Finding LSU Termination Email in AOL Spam Folder
Brian Kelly’s $54 million lawsuit against LSU ended abruptly after he found his termination notice buried in his AOL spam folder, right between a FanDuel ad and a “You’ve Got Mail” reminder.
LSU Interfraternity Council Expands Hazing Rules to Include “Forcing Pledges to Watch A&M Replay”
LSU’s Interfraternity Council has officially expanded its hazing policy to include “forcing pledges to watch the LSU–Texas A&M replay,” describing the act as psychological cruelty.
Delivery Truck Spotted Dropping Off Cases of Headsets at LSU, Saban Rumors Ignite Across Baton Rouge
Baton Rouge erupted Friday after a delivery truck unloaded pallets of headsets at Tiger Stadium, instantly reigniting rumors of Nick Saban’s possible return.
Brian Kelly Files Infringement Suit Against LSU for Using His Trademarked “Up the Middle on 3rd and Long” Play
Kelly insists LSU owes him royalties for running his “intellectual property of incompetence,” describing the 3rd-and-long quarterback draw as “a masterpiece of confusion and regret.”
LSU’s Offensive Playbook Discovered to Be Just One Page That Says “Screen Pass”
LSU fans were shocked to learn that the team’s offensive playbook consists of a single laminated page reading “Screen Pass.” Officials are calling it a “historic artifact” that continues to ensure predictability.
LSU Athletics Staff to Operate on 8-Hour Contracts Under Rousse’s New “Interim Forever” Plan
LSU President Wade Rousse has announced a radical “Interim Forever” plan placing all athletics staff on 8-hour contracts, ensuring LSU remains “nimble, responsive, and always in a state of mild panic.”
LSU Press Conference Tablecloth Enters Transfer Portal After Being Blamed for Program’s Image Problems
LSU’s press conference tablecloth has officially entered the transfer portal after being blamed for the school’s latest optics crisis, citing “unrealistic expectations” and “a toxic work environment.”
Governor Assumes Roles of LSU President, AD, and Head Football Coach, Rebrands It as Landry State University
Governor Jeff Landry has officially taken over LSU, assuming the roles of president, athletic director, and head coach in what he calls a “streamlined model of leadership efficiency.”
Local Dry Cleaners Rejoice as James Carville Vows to Burn His 1997 LSU Polo Collection
Local dry cleaners across Baton Rouge say they’ve never been happier than hearing James Carville will finally burn his decades-old LSU polos. “They were more sweat than shirt,” one cleaner admitted, calling it a “major victory for fabric and sanity.”
Entire LSU Football Program Revealed to Be Advanced EA Sports Simulation Being Operated by Nick Saban
A whistleblower found the Tiger Stadium control console running an EA Sports simulation coded entirely by Nick Saban.
Trump Agrees to Pick LSU Football Coach If Landry Promises to Replace the Tiger Eye With His Portrait at Midfield
Governor Jeff Landry is rumored to have accepted Trump’s offer to select LSU’s next coach in exchange for a few “minor artistic liberties.” The President wants his portrait painted at midfield, complete with glowing eyes and a celestial victory halo.
LSU Appoints DOTD Head to Oversee Brian Kelly Buyout, Guarantees It’ll Drag Out Until at Least 2034
LSU has turned to the one Louisiana agency truly qualified to stretch a project beyond all reason: DOTD. Officials say the buyout should be complete just in time for Kelly’s grandchildren to receive the final payment.
Governor Landry Clarifies LSU Statue Suggestion, Meant Captain Kirk, Not Charlie
Governor Jeff Landry clarified his earlier statue proposal, explaining he’d meant Captain Kirk from Star Trek, not conservative pundit Charlie Kirk.
LSU Cancels Ticket Price Hike Amid Backlash, Introduces Mandatory $35 Fee to Leave Stadium
After criticism of rising game-day costs, LSU announced a new policy: no increase to ticket prices, but a mandatory $35 Stadium Exit Fee will be charged when fans leave the game.
Scott Woodward Applies for Student Loan to Pay Kelly Buyout Because Technically Its an Expensive Lesson
LSU Athletic Director Scott Woodward has reportedly applied for a federal student loan to fund Brian Kelly’s buyout, calling it “a hands-on course in catastrophic financial planning.”
LSU Fraternities Shocked to Learn They’re Responsible for Everything Bad That Happens Within a Two-Mile Radius
After two shootings involving non-students, Louisiana’s Senate President called for a ban on fraternity tailgating, prompting students to wonder if they’d soon be blamed for traffic, humidity, or the Saints’ offensive line.