Waze Adds “Shootings Along Your Route” Notices for Baton Rouge Commuters After Violent Weekend
Waze users noted the notices rarely change destinations, only routes, reflecting how quickly abnormal conditions have become part of everyday decision-making.
Louisiana Officials Confirm Calling to Report a Hands-Free Violation is Also a Hands-Free Violation
Louisiana officials confirmed that calling police to report a hands-free driving violation also counts as a hands-free violation, effectively ensuring every concerned citizen remains equally guilty.
East Baton Rouge Metro Council Accused of Violating State Constitution, Requests Copy to See What’s In It
A lawsuit alleges the Metro Council violated the state constitution, prompting members to request a copy to review what’s actually in it.
Donaldsonville Council Will Now Allow Cameras at Meetings, Requires All Footage Be Edited by Mayor’s Cousin Before Release
Donaldsonville leaders have unveiled a new approach to transparency that requires all meeting footage to be edited by the mayor’s cousin before the public ever sees it.
In Lieu of Raises, City-Parish Authorizes BRPD to Deliver for DoorDash and UberEats in Patrol Vehicles
City leaders insist the SIDE HUSTLE UNIT will “boost retention,” but officers argue that when a department relies on gig-app deliveries to keep paychecks afloat, retention might not be the core issue anymore.
Pelicans Fire Head Coach After Team Shooting Percentage Falls Below Cantrell’s Approval Rating
The Pelicans cut ties with Willie Green after the team’s shooting numbers dipped under Mayor LaToya Cantrell’s approval rating, a statistical crisis no one believed possible until this season.
Carbon Capture Executives Celebrate: “Finally, a Pollution Crisis We Get Paid to Cause”
Carbon capture has given industry executives the perfect business model. Profit from the pollution, then profit again from pretending to clean it up.
Meta’s $10 Billion Louisiana Data Center Now $27 Billion After State Adds “Miscellaneous” Line Item
Louisiana’s $10 billion Meta project ballooned to $27 billion after state officials added a single “miscellaneous” line item that cost more than the original facility.
Escaped Tulane Research Monkeys File HIPAA Lawsuit Over Medical Record Leak
Escaped research monkeys are suing Louisiana media outlets for allegedly leaking their medical records. The lawsuit cites “irreparable emotional distress” and a “loss of public reputation,” with lawyers demanding both damages and a formal apology written in sign language.
HIV-Infected Monkeys From Tulane Escape Into Mississippi, Boost State’s Average IQ by Historic Margin
Mississippi health officials confirmed that escaped Tulane monkeys, reportedly infected with several diseases, have accidentally improved the state’s average IQ.
Half of Congressional Map Protestors Arrive Late After Misreading Map With Directions to Capitol
A demonstration to defend Louisiana’s congressional map took an ironic turn Monday when half the crowd couldn’t find the Capitol, after using the very map they were fighting to keep.
LSU Announces Plans to Relocate Entire Campus to St. George “For Safety”
LSU has announced plans to relocate its entire campus off Highland Road in St. George, citing safety concerns after a string of recent shootings near campus. Officials say the new location offers “safety, serenity, and better coffee options.”
LSU Board Holds Emergency Meeting, Renames Thomas Boyd Hall After 1920s Musket Incident Resurfaces
LSU’s Board of Supervisors convened at 2 a.m. to erase Thomas Boyd’s name after learning he once fired a musket indoors, a response officials say will “restore campus safety through symbolism.
Ethics Board Says Collecting $2.7 Million in Outstanding Ethics Fines Would Set Dangerous Precedent of Accountability
Auditors found $2.7 million in unpaid ethics fines, but the Louisiana Ethics Board says it’s choosing a “gentler approach” hoping offenders “just feel bad eventually.”
Thieves Break Into Cam Jordan’s Home, Leave Broncos Defensive Highlight Reels Scattered About Before Fleeing
Police say burglars broke into Cam Jordan’s home and mysteriously left behind VHS tapes labeled Broncos Defense, an act investigators are calling both “bizarre” and “probably helpful.”
Department of Revenue No Longer Accepting Cash, State Officials Still Only Accepting Cash
The Louisiana Department of Revenue will no longer accept cash for taxes, but state officials confirm they’re still very much a cash-only operation.
New Orleans Levee Authority Approves Tactical Gear, Still Unsure Who They’re Supposed to Shoot
The Flood Authority’s new SWAT-style unit will reportedly be trained in “tactical sandbagging” and “high-pressure hose control,” though officials admit they’re still “not sure who the enemy is.”
Governor Landry Approves Ban on AI, Says Louisiana Will Remain “Proudly Behind the Curve”
Louisiana banned AI in state offices this week, with Governor Jeff Landry vowing to keep the state “proudly behind the curve.” State employees are now ordered to stick to cursive, fax machines, and old relatives who “know computers.”
ICE Detainees Give Angola Kitchen Zero Stars On Yelp, Say They’d Rather Starve Than Order Again
Angola’s cafeteria has officially bottomed out on Yelp, with ICE detainees unanimously giving the kitchen zero stars. Many say starvation is preferable to the gray, flavorless meals, proving even a captive audience won’t tolerate mystery meat disguised as dinner.
Wildlife & Fisheries and OMV Partnership Saves Time by Combining Two Broken Systems Into One
Louisiana has streamlined inefficiency by combining the Office of Motor Vehicles with Wildlife & Fisheries. Now, residents can lose patience, time, and sanity in one unified location, proving government innovation means taking two broken systems and duct-taping them into a slightly larger broken system.
Hackers Shocked to Discover Orleans Sheriff’s Office Computers Still Running Windows 95
Hackers expecting to strike gold inside the Orleans Parish Sheriff’s Office instead uncovered a relic: computers still chugging along on Windows 95. The surprise left cybercriminals baffled, with the only real threat being an accidental print job on a dusty dot-matrix machine.
In Historic First, New Orleans Democrats Courageously Reject Government Assistance
Helena Moreno and her colleagues made history by refusing government help, proving Democrats can say no to Washington, so long as it’s law enforcement offering aid. Criminals celebrated the move, praising City Hall for defending their right to operate without interruption.
Walmart Says Radioactive Shrimp Safe if Eaten Under Lead Blanket
Walmart officials moved quickly this week to reassure shoppers after a nationwide recall of shrimp that reportedly contained “trace levels” of radioactivity. “The product is still completely safe,” one company spokesperson insisted, “so long as customers consume it under a government-approved lead blanket.”
Insurance Industry Admits Lower Rates Possible; Swears It Won’t Happen Again
Louisiana drivers are stunned as auto insurance rates actually dip for once. Insurers admit the decrease was a “clerical error” and vow it won’t become a habit. Officials reassure residents: normal rate hikes will return soon.
Landry: DMV Excited to Replace Old Confusing Process With New, Sleeker Confusing Process
Governor Jeff Landry says Louisiana’s new OMV software will “revolutionize” the DMV experience by replacing the old confusing system with a modern, equally confusing one only sleeker and in high definition.
Perkins Overpass Project’s Phase One Includes Removing Everything People Liked About Perkins
Phase One of the Perkins Road Overpass project has begun with a clear mission: remove everything people actually liked about Perkins.
Escape Room Franchise Sues Orleans Parish Jail for Copyright Infringement
Sheriff Susan Hutson denies OPSO is an entertainment venue, though admits, “at this point, maybe we should start charging admission.”
West Feliciana President Launches Hands-On Leadership Tour, First Stop: Your Face
When a man questioned the ethics of a parish land sale, President Kenny Havard delivered answers in the form of a punch. The “Hands-On Leadership” tour was born with bruises, not brochures.
BREC Gun-Free Zone Signs to Be Upgraded to All-Caps
BREC officials say they’re upgrading the “Gun-Free Zone” sign to all-caps font hoping the change will stop future armed teens in their tracks.
East Baton Rouge Library Staff Must Now Refer to Colleagues Using Preferred Font and Type Size
BATON ROUGE, LA – The East Baton Rouge Parish Library has rolled out a new inclusivity policy requiring staff to address all patrons using their self-identified font and type size preferences. According to an internal document sent to The Sadvocate, this is part of the library’s broader “Typographical Sensitivity Initiative,” launched after a patron claimed […]