Delivery Truck Spotted Dropping Off Cases of Headsets at LSU, Saban Rumors Ignite Across Baton Rouge
Baton Rouge erupted Friday after a delivery truck unloaded pallets of headsets at Tiger Stadium, instantly reigniting rumors of Nick Saban’s possible return.
Brian Kelly Files Infringement Suit Against LSU for Using His Trademarked “Up the Middle on 3rd and Long” Play
Kelly insists LSU owes him royalties for running his “intellectual property of incompetence,” describing the 3rd-and-long quarterback draw as “a masterpiece of confusion and regret.”
LSU’s Offensive Playbook Discovered to Be Just One Page That Says “Screen Pass”
LSU fans were shocked to learn that the team’s offensive playbook consists of a single laminated page reading “Screen Pass.” Officials are calling it a “historic artifact” that continues to ensure predictability.
Trump Agrees to Pick LSU Football Coach If Landry Promises to Replace the Tiger Eye With His Portrait at Midfield
Governor Jeff Landry is rumored to have accepted Trump’s offer to select LSU’s next coach in exchange for a few “minor artistic liberties.” The President wants his portrait painted at midfield, complete with glowing eyes and a celestial victory halo.
LSU Appoints DOTD Head to Oversee Brian Kelly Buyout, Guarantees It’ll Drag Out Until at Least 2034
LSU has turned to the one Louisiana agency truly qualified to stretch a project beyond all reason: DOTD. Officials say the buyout should be complete just in time for Kelly’s grandchildren to receive the final payment.
Scott Woodward Applies for Student Loan to Pay Kelly Buyout Because Technically Its an Expensive Lesson
LSU Athletic Director Scott Woodward has reportedly applied for a federal student loan to fund Brian Kelly’s buyout, calling it “a hands-on course in catastrophic financial planning.”
Brian Kelly Seen Exiting Tiger Stadium Late in 3rd Quarter “To Avoid the Rush”
LSU Head Coach Brian Kelly was reportedly seen leaving Tiger Stadium before the game ended, citing “unmanageable postgame traffic.”
State Police to Deploy Taco Bell Pop-Ups on North Side of Campus to Deter Anyone Stoned From Entering During Home Games
LSU’s new safety plan includes 12 mobile Taco Bell pop-ups meant to lure “munchies-motivated individuals” off campus before trouble starts.
Coach Kelly Skips Monday Press Conference, Claims He’s Still in Concussion Protocol from Watching the Defense
LSU’s head coach skipped today’s press conference, citing “concussion protocol” after watching his defense collapse for four quarters. Reporters were left with an empty podium, while fans questioned if silence is now the Tigers’ only effective strategy.
Ole Miss Declares Themselves 2007 BCS Champions After Watching the Game on TV
Ole Miss has once again crowned itself a champion, this time of the 2007 BCS National Title, which they claim they earned from watching LSU win on TV. It’s not their first revision, back in 2003, they lost to LSU but still hung a “SEC West Champs” sign.
Fire Marshal Declares Clemson Cannon Safe for Indoor Use at Kid’s Birthday Parties
Clemson’s “touchdown cannon” has officially been certified safe for indoor birthday parties after fire marshals declared it no louder than a balloon pop. The device, mocked by rival fans, is now being marketed as both a stadium tradition and a children’s party accessory.
Subway Employees at University of Arkansas Launch ‘Walk-On’ Football Tryouts to Avoid Paying State Taxes
At the University of Arkansas, Subway employees have launched a “Walk-On Football Tryout” program, hoping to dodge taxes just like their athlete classmates. Catching cold cuts may soon be considered a varsity skill under new NIL-inspired rules.
New Orleans Saints Draft QB with More Degrees Than Touchdowns
In a bold academic pivot, the Saints drafted Tyler Shough—a quarterback who spent so long in college he was nearly awarded Professor Emeritus status. Team officials praised his leadership, maturity, and ability to survive cafeteria food, declaring him fully prepared for life in the NFC South.