Brian Kelly Offers to Coach ‘One Last Game’ After Reading About the Texas Bowl’s Cougar Hospitality Suite
Brian Kelly has decided he’s not quite done at LSU, and it definitely has nothing to do with the Texas Bowl’s Cougar Hospitality Suite.
LSU Realizes Refusing to Pay Contract Buyout While Actively Searching for a New Coach May Have Sent Wrong Message
LSU officials admitted that refusing to pay Brian Kelly’s buyout was sending the wrong message while they were actively trying to hire someone new.
LSU Board Grants President Rousse Power to Fire Any Coach Who Tries to Speak With a Fake Louisiana Accent
LSU’s new rule lets the president fire any coach who tries out a fake Louisiana accent, a policy clearly inspired by one very memorable “faaaam-uh-leeeee” moment.
Kelly Takes Credit for LSU’s Win Over Arkansas Saturday, Insists He Still Isn’t Fired “As Far as He Knows.”
Brian Kelly took to Facebook after LSU’s win, posting a selfie and insisting he’s still the Tigers’ head coach because no one has officially fired him “to his face.”
Brian Kelly Withdraws Lawsuit After Finding LSU Termination Email in AOL Spam Folder
Brian Kelly’s $54 million lawsuit against LSU ended abruptly after he found his termination notice buried in his AOL spam folder, right between a FanDuel ad and a “You’ve Got Mail” reminder.
LSU Reaches Deal With Brian Kelly: One Free Caniac Combo Per Month Through 2035
LSU avoided a $54 million payout by giving Brian Kelly a free Caniac Combo once a month for ten years. Baton Rouge calls it “the most Louisiana settlement ever.”
Brian Kelly Files Infringement Suit Against LSU for Using His Trademarked “Up the Middle on 3rd and Long” Play
Kelly insists LSU owes him royalties for running his “intellectual property of incompetence,” describing the 3rd-and-long quarterback draw as “a masterpiece of confusion and regret.”
LSU’s Offensive Playbook Discovered to Be Just One Page That Says “Screen Pass”
LSU fans were shocked to learn that the team’s offensive playbook consists of a single laminated page reading “Screen Pass.” Officials are calling it a “historic artifact” that continues to ensure predictability.
Brian Kelly Offers LSU $500 Buyout Credit for Every Screen Pass He Called on 3rd and Long
Former LSU head coach Brian Kelly has reportedly offered the university a $500 buyout credit for every screen pass he called on 3rd and long, a move accountants say could wipe out his entire payout.
Entire LSU Football Program Revealed to Be Advanced EA Sports Simulation Being Operated by Nick Saban
A whistleblower found the Tiger Stadium control console running an EA Sports simulation coded entirely by Nick Saban.
LSU Appoints DOTD Head to Oversee Brian Kelly Buyout, Guarantees It’ll Drag Out Until at Least 2034
LSU has turned to the one Louisiana agency truly qualified to stretch a project beyond all reason: DOTD. Officials say the buyout should be complete just in time for Kelly’s grandchildren to receive the final payment.
Scott Woodward Applies for Student Loan to Pay Kelly Buyout Because Technically Its an Expensive Lesson
LSU Athletic Director Scott Woodward has reportedly applied for a federal student loan to fund Brian Kelly’s buyout, calling it “a hands-on course in catastrophic financial planning.”
Brian Kelly Seen Exiting Tiger Stadium Late in 3rd Quarter “To Avoid the Rush”
LSU Head Coach Brian Kelly was reportedly seen leaving Tiger Stadium before the game ended, citing “unmanageable postgame traffic.”
LSU Raises Ticket Prices to Help Fans Feel Like They’re Suffering at an Elite Level
LSU’s Board of Supervisors approved new ticket and parking price increases to ensure fans continue “suffering at the highest standard possible.”
Jeff Landry Asks FEMA to Declare Brian Kelly’s Contract a Disaster, Calls on Trump to Force Them to Pay the Buyout
Jeff Landry is calling in FEMA and Donald Trump to deal with what he calls “a man-made catastrophe,” Brian Kelly’s contract. The governor says he’s confident Trump “can negotiate this buyout like it’s a New York hotel remodel.”
Governor Landry Orders Louisiana National Guard to Seize LSU’s Offensive Playbook and Have it Immediately Destroyed
Governor Jeff Landry has ordered the National Guard to raid LSU’s football facility and seize Joe Sloan’s offensive playbook. The governor called it a danger to public morale, vowing the pages will be destroyed before fans suffer through another predictable Saturday
Coach Kelly Admits Viral Outburst Fueled by Anticipation of Sadvocate Memes After Florida Performance
Brian Kelly admitted his postgame outburst wasn’t about referees or reporters, it was about bracing for The Sadvocate’s inevitable meme flood after LSU’s offense sputtered against Florida. “I wasn’t mad at the game,” Kelly explained. “I was mad at what was coming.”
Chevron Escapes $744M Louisiana Judgment by Hiring Brian Kelly as VP of Subsurface Operations—Cites His History of Running Things in the Ground
Chevron dodged a $744M environmental judgment by hiring LSU’s Brian Kelly as VP of Subsurface Operations—citing his unique ability to sink high-potential programs with alarming efficiency. Louisiana officials called it “a favor to the entire region.”
After $955K Deficit, LSU’s Athletic Director Named Finalist for Louisiana State Government Finance Award
From spending SEC money like it’s Monopoly cash to being honored for it by the state, LSU’s athletic department just reminded everyone why Louisiana’s unofficial motto is “It’s not broken, it’s tradition.”