NUUK, GL – Newly appointed United States Envoy to Greenland Jeff Landry wasted no time beginning his diplomatic mission this morning, reportedly requesting copies of Greenland’s football coaching contract before agreeing to engage in any talks with officials.
According to sources familiar with the meeting, Landry asked Greenland representatives who approved the current coaching deal, what the contract terms looked like, and whether “anyone out here is actually watching this thing.”
Officials initially assumed the request was metaphorical or part of a broader cultural exchange. That assumption reportedly ended when Landry asked whether boosters were involved and if the contract contained performance incentives tied to wins, attendance, or any championship trophies.
Several diplomatic aides attempted to redirect the conversation toward trade, Arctic security, and the country’s relationship with the US, but Landry kept circling back to sports, asking what the coaches buyout was.
Greenland officials acknowledged they do not currently operate a football program, a revelation sources say Landry found troubling rather than reassuring.
Landry became more noticeably irritated at lunch time when Greenland officials told him there wasn’t any place in Greenland to get gumbo and in fact, they had no idea what that even was.
The White House later confirmed Landry sent a message to Trump early Monday requesting 3 cases of Tony Chachere seasoning and saying that Greenland was “in rougher shape than expected because the football team doesn’t even have a quarterback.”
