BATON ROUGE, LA – In a scene that witnesses described as “part legal drama, part SEC halftime show,” Todd Graves and Gordon McKernan were seen sprinting toward Baton Rouge City Court this afternoon, each clutching a briefcase stuffed with paperwork, both determined to be the first to file for sole custody of Lane Kiffin.
The sprint allegedly kicked off the moment news broke that Kiffin had accepted the LSU job. Witnesses say Graves tore out of a Raising Cane’s parking lot with custody papers stuffed under a box of chicken fingers, while McKernan abruptly bailed on a pickleball match against one of The Sadvocate’s writers so he could try to beat Graves to the courthouse. Multiple sources confirm McKernan was getting blown out before leaving the game.
A security guard said the two men burst through the doors seconds apart, each trying to slide their paperwork under the glass like a pair of contestants on a chaotic game show, not even realizing the courthouse was closed. Another guard described it as “Black Friday at the courthouse, except instead of TVs, they were fighting over Kiffin.”
Graves’ filing argues that being the king of chicken fingers and also being from Louisiana entitles him to exclusive use of Kiffin for promotional purposes, while McKernan’s petition insists that “statewide billboard access” qualifies him as the more stable custodial figure.
Kiffin himself remains out of state, reportedly unaware that two grown men in Baton Rouge are already arguing over who gets him on weekends.
