BOONEVILLE, MS – Officials say the last of Tulane’s escaped research monkeys “nearly got away with it” after fully assimilating into coastal Mississippi life. The infected primate was discovered at a Booneville gas station, sporting a freshly grown mullet and a faded Confederate flag tattoo.
Residents reportedly interacted with the monkey for days without suspicion. “He seemed normal,” said one witness. “He pumped gas, smoked Marlboro cigarettes, and called me ‘chief’ for no reason.” Investigators say the disguise was “alarmingly effective,” noting that even local law enforcement initially waved as he passed by on a rusted four-wheeler.
The monkey’s cover was blown after he attempted to trade moonshine for scratch-off tickets and loudly declared “I don’t need no permit for this!” inside a Biloxi gas station, prompting one officer to mutter, “Yeah, he’s one of ours.”
Officials confirmed the animal has since been returned to custody and is undergoing medical evaluation, though one scientist admitted he may have “fully transitioned into Mississippi culture.”
Experts are still studying whether the virus altered his behavior, or if that’s just what happens after two weeks in Mississippi.
