BATON ROUGE, LA – In a surprising turn following last week’s LSU Athletics press conference, the now-infamous LSU tablecloth, wrinkled, crooked, and visibly exhausted, has officially entered the transfer portal, citing “unrealistic expectations and emotional distress” after being blamed for the university’s optics crisis.
Sources close to the situation say the tablecloth was “doing its best to hold things together” as administrators declared LSU “not broken,” despite appearing to slide off the table mid-sentence. “I was promised stability,” the tablecloth reportedly said. “Instead, I’m covering for people who can’t even cover themselves.”
Governor Jeff Landry immediately called for the tablecloth’s permanent removal, issuing a statement that “no tablecloth associated with this kind of embarrassment will be covering any tables at LSU press conferences in the future. I wouldn’t even use that thing to cover my table at a jambalaya cook-off in New Roads.”
Meanwhile, university officials say they plan to replace it with “a sturdier, better-aligned alternative,” though sources fear the replacement may wrinkle under pressure.
Landry later clarified his remarks, saying the tablecloth incident “only proves LSU needs stronger leadership, possibly a steamer and really just someone to bring more to the table.”
