BATON ROUGE, LA – LSU fraternity members were reportedly “stunned but not entirely surprised” Friday to learn they’ve been found responsible for every public disturbance, fight, and shooting occurring within walking distance of campus, including those involving people who don’t even attend the university.
The revelation came after State Senate President Cameron Henry suggested LSU ban fraternity tailgating on the Parade Grounds to improve gameday safety, citing two recent shootings that, according to police, involved zero fraternity members, zero students and zero ticket holders.
“Look, we had to blame someone who’s easy to find and owns matching shirts,” said one campus official. “Random armed non-students don’t have a PR department and tend to scatter when things go south.”
Fraternity leaders said they’re open to discussions about safety but would prefer not to be treated like the city’s default scapegoat. “Next week it’ll be our fault the I-10 has bumper to bumper traffic,” one student sighed.
Fraternities have since requested the state also ban random non-students from bringing loaded weapons to tailgates, though experts say that’s “politically unrealistic” because it would require admitting the problem involves people who can vote.
