BATON ROUGE, LA – Governor Jeff Landry announced late Monday that the Louisiana National Guard has been ordered to confiscate LSU offensive coordinator Joe Sloan’s playbook and ensure its complete destruction, citing “public morale concerns” after recent performances.
Officials say the playbook, which contains no recognizable strategy beyond short runs into stacked defenses, has been classified as a hazard. Guard units are expected to enter campus within days to seize the binder, rumored to be only half-full and riddled with doodles of bubble screens.
“Louisiana cannot allow this level of sloppy offense to continue unchecked,” Landry said, assuring fans that the pages will be burned at midfield during a formal ceremony in the coming days. Tickets to the event will be $99.95 each and will include a free small ice water (bring your own cup.) Sources add that the ashes may be scattered in the muddy swamps of what was once the LSU Lakes, “where they can’t hurt anyone.”
Students took to X and Facebook, cheering news of the playbook’s removal and chanting for something resembling a forward pass. University officials remained silent but confirmed the Guard has been given full authority to neutralize “any backup copies hidden in filing cabinet, trapper keepers or the Les Miles secret office hidden behind some fake lockers, in Tiger Stadium.”
