NEW ORLEANS, LA – In what was supposed to be a high-stakes ransomware attack, international hackers were left stunned after infiltrating the Orleans Parish Sheriff’s Office this week. Instead of lucrative files and sensitive databases, the cybercriminals stumbled onto a system still running Windows 95, complete with the original “Start Me Up” startup sound.
“We were prepared for firewalls, encrypted data, maybe even some Bitcoin wallets,” said one hacker, visibly shaken. “What we found was Solitaire, Minesweeper, and a desktop shortcut labeled ‘Do Not Delete: Jail Roster.’”
The hackers admitted the outdated system rendered their ransomware useless. “It’s like trying to steal a horse by hot-wiring it,” one complained.
Sheriff’s officials, meanwhile, downplayed the incident. “We’ve been meaning to upgrade for years,” said a spokesperson. “But we kept waiting for Microsoft to release a patch.”
Experts warn the breach could still compromise sensitive data. However, given the technology involved, the only real threat appears to be hackers accidentally printing a 10-page banner on the office’s dot-matrix printer.
