CLEMSON, SC – After being ridiculed Saturday night over its undersized touchdown cannon, Clemson University received an unexpected endorsement Sunday when the local fire marshal officially certified the device as “completely safe for indoor use at kid’s birthday parties.”
The announcement came after inspectors confirmed the cannon produces roughly the same decibel level as popping a balloon, with a recoil force “slightly less than pulling a party popper string.” Parents have already begun inquiring about renting the cannon for family events. “It’s perfect for my son’s dinosaur-themed party,” one mom said. “It’ll scare the cake more than the kids.”
Clemson officials praised the ruling, touting the cannon’s versatility as both a stadium tradition and a party favor. “It’s the first dual-purpose touchdown celebration device,” a spokesperson bragged, “ideal for touchdowns, bar mitzvahs, and birthday parties that typically feature just bounce houses and pin the tail on the donkey”
Critics argue the cannon still fails as a football tradition. “If the loudest thing in your stadium is the nacho cheese pump, maybe rethink your pyrotechnics,” said one fan.
