SAN FRANCISCO, Ca. – In what they’re calling a “sustainably symbolic gesture,” a growing number of former Tesla owners have begun setting their electric vehicles ablaze to protest Elon Musk, late-stage capitalism, or just general vibes.
But don’t worry—they’re doing it responsibly.
“We’re not monsters,” said Willow, a climate influencer who arrived at the protest wearing a biodegradable jumpsuit and lighting her Tesla with artisanal matches crafted from ethically sourced, reclaimed barn wood. “We’re burning these cars for the planet.”
The movement, dubbed “Ignite for Earth,” insists that the carbon emissions from the flaming cars are fully offset by good intentions and several hastily planted succulents.
Asked about the irony of torching the same vehicles they once hailed as the future of environmental salvation, members shrugged. “The science has evolved,” said one organizer. “And by science, I mean Twitter.”
Cleanup crews report that protestors are carefully collecting the ashes to compost into what they’re calling “climate-positive bio-dust.”
Authorities say no charges will be filed, as the protests were conducted within the legal gray area of “eco-conscious arson.” Participants have pledged to offset any environmental damage by switching to oat milk and limiting their podcast appearances to three per week.
