BATON ROUGE, La. – East Baton Rouge school officials are struggling to understand why some school signs are incredibly effective while others seem completely useless. Despite multiple incidents of weapons being found on campuses, “Gun-Free Zone” signs have had no impact. Meanwhile, the “No Raises for Teachers” signs have worked flawlessly, with zero salary increases recorded for years.

“We really thought criminals would respect the gun-free sign as much as we respect the no raise one,” said one confused board member.

In response, officials are exploring new security measures that don’t involve raising teacher salaries. Proposed solutions include making “Gun-Free Zone” signs bigger, bolding key words, and even adding exclamation points—though that level of urgency requires superintendent approval.

Oddly, attempts to hang “No Raises for Superintendents” signs have been far less successful, as they tend to vanish within 20-30 seconds, sometimes mid-stapling. “Must be a wind issue,” one administrator speculated.