BATON ROUGE, LA – City officials announced plans to replace the River Center with a giant concession stand after reviewing financial records and discovering the building’s primary purpose was selling beer.
“For years, we thought we were operating an entertainment venue,” said a city spokesperson. “Turns out we’ve been running a bar with an expensive room and arena attached.”
Under the proposal, crews will remove the stage, seating and other features officials described as “distractions from purchasing nachos and energy drinks.”
The renovated facility will accommodate 3,500 customers standing in one continuous line, with premium packages allowing guests to watch someone else receive their order.
Concerts will be replaced by an employee periodically shouting that the card reader is down.
Officials expect the changes to eliminate performer fees, production costs and the financial burden of giving customers something to do between drinks.
The project will cost an estimated $40 million, which officials expect to recover by selling approximately thirty-nine beers and twenty-two hotdogs.
