BATON ROUGE, LA – Lane Kiffin’s first true test as LSU’s new head coach didn’t come from a hostile crowd or an Ole Miss fan with abandonment issues. It came from the one force more immovable than any SEC defensive line, Friday Traffic on the Mississippi River Bridge, specifically the great American tragedy known as I-10.
Kiffin was scheduled to appear live on ESPN’s College GameDay in Atlanta, but according to sources, the coach made it as far as the new I-10 bridge before time, space, and the will to live collapsed around him. Witnesses say his car merged onto the interstate at 2:40 p.m. and had moved a total of fourteen feet by 7:00. By 8:15, he reportedly accepted his fate and began stress-eating his an emergency Cane’s box combo, personally given to him by Todd Graves.
Kiffin allegedly called ESPN producers to explain the situation, but the moment he said “I-10,” they reportedly replied, “Say no more,” and wished him luck in what they described as “his personal journey.”
Despite missing the appearance, LSU fans praised Kiffin for demonstrating an authentic Baton Rouge experience. “If he survives this, he’s one of us now,” one fan said. “You don’t really understand LSU until you’ve aged two to three years on that bridge.”
No word yet on when Kiffin will make it back to the LSU Football Ops building, but fans just hope its in time for Spring training. Transportation officials later said that they planned to initiate a series of studies to determine what caused the traffic jam.
