ST. GEORGE, LA – In a move some are calling “the softest rebellion in traffic history,” several East Baton Rouge Parish drivers have vowed to discontinue all minor traffic collisions within the newly formed City of St. George. The protest comes after the city voted to outsource non-emergency accident response to a private company, a decision critics say undermines the sacred Louisiana tradition of waiting in a hot car on the side of the road for a cop to arrive.
“I’ve been rear-ended in Baton Rouge, Denham Springs, and even Baker,” said one local driver, “but I draw the line at letting some clipboard guy in khakis handle my paperwork.”
Many residents insist they’d rather sit in 5:00 p.m. traffic for two hours waiting on a police officer than get an immediate response from a non-uniformed stranger who doesn’t even carry a gun. “It’s about principle,” said one protester. “And authority. And maybe flashing lights.”
Crash planning is now underway, with maps circulating to help drivers ensure all future fender benders occur just beyond St. George city limits.
Drivers with expired licenses, outstanding warrants, or glove boxes full of parking tickets actually appear to support the St. George plan after learning that the private company wouldn’t be issuing citations.
Mayor Wade Evans of nearby Central issued a statement welcoming the sudden surge in redirected accidents. “Central is proud to be a crash‑friendly alternative,” he said. “We’ve got two major roads permanently under construction and I’m usually in the middle of it doing a Facebook Live, so there’s plenty to hit out here.”
