BATON ROUGE, LA – As voters across Louisiana head to the polls today, officials are urging residents to renew a series of local taxes—stressing that without them, the parish may be forced to continue using the same old excuses for underfunded services, crumbling infrastructure, and disappearing budgets.
“It’s not just about roads or schools,” said one unnamed parish spokesperson while adjusting a crooked tie. “It’s about innovation. We can’t keep blaming potholes on the weather forever. It’s time we evolve.”
The proposed tax renewals would reportedly allow the government to access a premium subscription to more sophisticated justifications, including AI-generated budget delays, traffic studies that never publish, and vaguely defined phrases like “unforeseen drainage concerns.”
Opponents of the taxes argue the excuses haven’t improved since the early 2000s. “It’s always the same song and dance—’critical services,’ ‘public safety,’ ‘grant matching,’” said one skeptical voter. “If I’m going to get lied to, at least make it interesting.”
Officials maintain the tax renewals are essential for “narrative modernization,” a strategy they say is far more important than tangible results.
Polls close tonight at 8. Excuses begin again tomorrow morning.
