BATON ROUGE, LA – This week the East Baton Rouge Parish School Board issued a triumphant statement celebrating what it called “a major win against overcrowding,” following reports that over 13,000 students are chronically absent.
“Frankly, the halls have never been quieter,” said one district official. “We used to have to worry about packed classrooms and long lunch lines—now we just turn off the lights and pretend it’s summer.”
The district, long criticized for underperforming schools and discipline issues, says this wave of absenteeism is actually a sign of progress. “Fewer students mean more one-on-none learning opportunities,” one teacher explained while addressing a classroom awash in empty desks.
When asked about potential solutions, officials hinted at possibly removing students from enrollment altogether to achieve 100% attendance—by technicality.
Parents were unavailable for comment, allegedly citing personal commitments to ‘not dealing with that right now.’
The school board is now considering renting out unused classrooms as storage units to boost revenue—funds that could, in theory, trickle down to teacher raises.
