BREC Employees Agree to Six-Month Fuel Theft Moratorium to Fund Cleanup of Siegen Property
BREC employees say they’ll stop stealing fuel—for now—so the agency can afford to clean up the homeless camp they’ve ignored for years.
After 13,000 Absences, EBR School Board Declares Victory Over Overcrowding
Baton Rouge schools celebrate empty desks as a win against overcrowding—13,000 absent students means more “room to grow.”
Edwards Seeks Senate Seat, Promises Seamless Transition from Local Irrelevance to National Irrelevance
Former Governor John Bel Edwards confirmed his U.S. Senate bid this week, vowing to deliver the same level of quiet, forgettable leadership that marked his time in Louisiana politics.
West Feliciana Port Commission to be Dissolved After Officials Realize There’s No Actual Port
With no port in sight, West Feliciana officials voted to dissolve the Port Commission, calling it unnecessary. Critics say the move clears the way for shady land deals and imaginary beachfront development, proving once again that in Louisiana, geography is just a suggestion—especially when real estate is involved.
DA Launches ‘Text-a-Judge’ Program to Pre-Dismiss Cases Before Wasting Time on Investigations
The East Baton Rouge DA’s Office is piloting a new system that lets prosecutors text mugshots and case summaries directly to judges for instant dismissal decisions. Critics say it bypasses due process, but officials call it “a more efficient path to disappointment.”
Chase Through West Baton Rouge Marks First Time in Years a School Bus Has Run on Time
In a rare display of punctuality, a Louisiana man stole a school bus and led police on a multi-parish chase—marking the first time in recent memory that a bus actually showed up on schedule.
Landry Calls in ICE to Confront Escalating Texas License Plate Invasion on LA Roads
Governor Jeff Landry says Louisiana needs more ICE agents—not for immigration, but to confront the wave of Nissan Altimas with Texas plates terrorizing local roads at high speed with zero turn signal usage.
State Celebrates 50 Years of Monitoring Capitol Lake Toxicity by Adding a New Sign
After decades of toxic buildup and government foot-dragging, Louisiana finally acknowledged Capitol Lakes with something tangible: a new sign that warns residents the water is dangerous—just in a more “official” font.
REAL ID Deadline Extended After Officials Discover Baton Rouge OMV Still Processing 2019 Walk-Ins
In an effort to help Louisianans still stuck in the OMV system, the REAL ID deadline has been extended—especially for those who walked in during 2019 and never left.
New Reality Series ‘So You Think You Can Judge?’ Pilots in Baton Rouge
Baton Rouge’s 19th Judicial District Court is now the surprise setting of So You Think You Can Judge?, a new reality show where judges compete to keep their robes while dodging ethical complaints. So far: one fake law, one fake Army rank, and a very real insurance scam.
May Day Protest At State Capitol Hijacked by Group Demanding Bigger Chicken Strips at Cane’s
The protest started with chants against authoritarianism and ended with handmade signs demanding full-sized chicken fingers. While some came to challenge Trump-era policies, most left questioning how Cane’s manages to charge $11 for what one marcher called “two and a half glorified chicken crayons.”
LSU Student Designs AI to Prevent Wrecks—It Just Keeps Recommending ‘Move Out of Baton Rouge’
While some hoped LSU’s AI would revolutionize traffic safety, it instead took one look at Florida Boulevard and immediately scheduled its own out-of-state transfer. LADOTD remains optimistic, calling the results “unexpectedly accurate.”
Orange Soda Spill in Baton Rouge Triggers Kel-Level Panic Among Drivers
A truck spilled crates of orange soda across a busy Baton Rouge intersection, causing traffic chaos, a swarm of bees, and at least one man to scream, “Kel would’ve died here!” Cleanup was delayed due to excessive 90s nostalgia reenactments.
West Baton Rouge Pursuit Ends Peacefully as Suspect Chooses Jail Over I-10 Bridge at 4PM
A high-speed chase ended when the suspect saw he was approaching the I-10 bridge at 5 p.m. and voluntarily surrendered. Deputies say the man weighed jail time against Baton Rouge traffic and made what they’re calling “the sane choice.”
Amazon Employees Demand Hazard Pay After Discovering Warehouse Built on Former Cortana Mall Site
Workers at a Baton Rouge Amazon warehouse are demanding hazard pay after discovering the facility sits on the ruins of Cortana Mall, where the ghost of Space Port arcade allegedly still lingers.
LA Governor’s Mansion to Be Rebuilt in Mississippi After Insurance Renewal Hits All-Time High
Louisiana officials confirmed plans to relocate the Governor’s Mansion to Woodville, Mississippi, citing skyrocketing insurance costs and a flood risk so high it required evacuation drills. A spokesperson said the move was necessary to avoid “financial ruin,” adding that Woodville offers better drainage — and easier access to Illusions, the town’s lone gentleman’s club.
Louisiana Lawmakers Celebrate Balloon Ban Failure with Balloon Release at Capitol
In a scene that felt more satire than ceremony, Louisiana lawmakers gathered in front of the Capitol to release dozens of balloons into the sky—celebrating the defeat of a proposed ban on balloon releases. Environmentalists wept. Legislators cheered. And somewhere, a turtle silently cursed the airspace above.
Barge Captain Dodges Stray Bullet, Heroically Fails to Dodge Baton Rouge
Two barges grounded near LSU after eyewitnesses say the captain swerved to dodge a stray bullet. Officials confirm the bullet missed — unlike Baton Rouge’s reputation for “challenging” river navigation.
DOTD to Launch ‘Bridge Survivor Bootcamp’ at Collapsed Casino Bridge Site in BR
DOTD is taking action after the casino bridge collapse—sort of. The new “Bridge Survivor Bootcamp” will train Louisiana drivers to navigate unstable structures before they collapse.
New College Drive Exit Ramp Promises ‘Faster Access to Traffic You Already Hate’
After years of construction delays and driver complaints, Baton Rouge has unveiled its new College Drive exit ramp—just in time to funnel commuters into the same traffic they’ve always loathed. DOTD says it will “dramatically enhance the experience of going nowhere,” promising faster access to brake lights, honking, and existential regret.
State Offers Discounted Auto Insurance to Anyone Who Agrees to Stop Driving in Baton Rouge
Governor Jeff Landry has unveiled a new plan offering insurance discounts to drivers who agree to avoid Baton Rouge altogether. The initiative targets high premiums by rewarding residents who stay off city roads, citing traffic chaos, reckless drivers, and street violence as reasons to keep cars—and people—elsewhere.
City of Baton Rouge Launches “Adopt-a-Pothole” Program, Includes Party Permit and 10×10 Pop Up
Baton Rouge’s latest revenue strategy involves leasing potholes for birthday parties and football tailgates. Officials say it’s cheaper than fixing them, and proceeds will be used to cover deficits left by the last administration. Attorney Gordon McKernan has even offered to sponsor potholes in exchange for tagged selfies with his yard signs.
New Juvenile Detention Center Will Include Escapee Leaderboard to Encourage Competition
Baton Rouge’s new juvenile detention center will feature an “Escapee Leaderboard,” rewarding youths for creative getaways. City officials call it “gamified rehabilitation,” while critics call it “just a scoreboard for our failure.” Bonus points awarded for dodging traffic near Florida Boulevard.
City Council’s New Motto: ‘Til Debt Do Us Part’—Alimony Tax to Mend Municipal Finances
Baton Rouge officials have a bold new plan to fix the budget—taxing the already emotionally bankrupt. The alimony tax is back, and this time, it’s not just personal. It’s painfully civic.
Mitch Landrieu Tells GOP to ‘Wake Up’—City of New Orleans Still in Coma from His Administration
Mitch Landrieu, the former mayor best known for removing statues and accomplishing little else, told Republicans to “wake up”—from the same man whose political instincts led him to endorse Kamala Harris into irrelevance.
Baton Rouge Police Praise Car Thief’s Honesty for Using Real Name on Facebook Marketplace Listing
A local car thief took bold to new heights by listing a stolen Honda online under his full legal name. Police say they appreciated the honesty—and the GPS-enabled arrest. The victim? Shocked. The car? Still had his fries.
‘Hands Off’ Protest Ends Early After Protesters Realize They’ve Been Yelling at Capitol Groundskeeper for 45 Minutes, Not Landry
A small protest dubbed “Hands Off” ended early after demonstrators realized they’d been passionately addressing a man trimming hedges. No policy changes were made, but the azaleas reportedly looked phenomenal.
Baton Rouge Postal App Replaces Tracking Info With Laughing Emoji
USPS in Baton Rouge no longer pretends to know where your package is. Instead, users now receive a laughing emoji in place of tracking info—because pretending it’s coming was getting awkward.
Central Mayor Storms Baton Rouge City Hall Demanding Credit for Discovering The Sadvocate
Central Mayor Wade Evans says he dove under a Spanish Town float for a Sadvocate tumbler, printed his own shirt, and now Baton Rouge is trying to ride the irony wave he created. “Pick a different fake news source,” he demanded.
DOTD: Bridge Damage Not a Problem, Unless You’re One of Those ‘Wants-to-Survive’ Types
While thousands cross the Mississippi River Bridge daily, DOTD says there’s no cause for concern—unless you’re one of those high-maintenance types who prefers structural integrity and bridges that don’t resemble aging drywall.