Todd Graves and Gordon McKernan Race to File for Sole Custody of Lane Kiffin in Baton Rouge City Court
Lane Kiffin hasn’t even landed in Louisiana, but that didn’t stop two of Baton Rouge’s biggest personalities from sprinting to City Court to claim exclusive custody rights before the ink on his contract even dries.
LSU Realizes Refusing to Pay Contract Buyout While Actively Searching for a New Coach May Have Sent Wrong Message
LSU officials admitted that refusing to pay Brian Kelly’s buyout was sending the wrong message while they were actively trying to hire someone new.
Zach Bryan Agrees to Play at LSU, Demands All Concession Stands Serve Drinks With No Ice
Zach Bryan’s LSU concert will now serve room-temperature drinks after the singer demanded all concessions remove ice to “avoid mixed signals.”
CATS CFO Quits Amid Pressure To Explain Why a $30 Million Budget Only Produces Two Working Buses
The former CATS CFO resigned after being asked to justify how a thirty million dollar budget results in fewer operational buses than most school field trips.
LSU Board Grants President Rousse Power to Fire Any Coach Who Tries to Speak With a Fake Louisiana Accent
LSU’s new rule lets the president fire any coach who tries out a fake Louisiana accent, a policy clearly inspired by one very memorable “faaaam-uh-leeeee” moment.
Library Unveils $40 Million Ballroom Plan, Says It’s Needed To Host Events Explaining Why They Need Even More Money
The East Baton Rouge Library is celebrating a $40 million ballroom, claiming it’s the perfect venue to explain why they need even more money.
Saban Rumors Fly After He’s Spotted at Baton Rouge DMV, Fans Later Learn He’s Still In Line Waiting For His 2004 Renewal
Nick Saban’s quiet appearance at the Baton Rouge DMV sent LSU fans spiraling, only for officials to reveal he’s been stuck in the same line since 2004.
Governor Jeff Landry Issues Executive Order for ‘Keep Tiger Town Beautiful’ to Clean Up The LSU Athletic Dept
Governor Jeff Landry has issued an executive order for Keep Tiger Town Beautiful to clean up the LSU Athletic Dept.
Brian Kelly Withdraws Lawsuit After Finding LSU Termination Email in AOL Spam Folder
Brian Kelly’s $54 million lawsuit against LSU ended abruptly after he found his termination notice buried in his AOL spam folder, right between a FanDuel ad and a “You’ve Got Mail” reminder.
Mayor Sparks Media Outrage by Hiring Qualified CAO, Violating Decades-Old Baton Rouge Custom
Mayor Sid Edwards is under fire for ending Baton Rouge’s proud City Hall tradition of hiring unqualified administrators by selecting a CAO who actually knows what she’s doing.
LSU Interfraternity Council Expands Hazing Rules to Include “Forcing Pledges to Watch A&M Replay”
LSU’s Interfraternity Council has officially expanded its hazing policy to include “forcing pledges to watch the LSU–Texas A&M replay,” describing the act as psychological cruelty.
Delivery Truck Spotted Dropping Off Cases of Headsets at LSU, Saban Rumors Ignite Across Baton Rouge
Baton Rouge erupted Friday after a delivery truck unloaded pallets of headsets at Tiger Stadium, instantly reigniting rumors of Nick Saban’s possible return.
Carbon Capture Executives Celebrate: “Finally, a Pollution Crisis We Get Paid to Cause”
Carbon capture has given industry executives the perfect business model. Profit from the pollution, then profit again from pretending to clean it up.
Local Dry Cleaners Rejoice as James Carville Vows to Burn His 1997 LSU Polo Collection
Local dry cleaners across Baton Rouge say they’ve never been happier than hearing James Carville will finally burn his decades-old LSU polos. “They were more sweat than shirt,” one cleaner admitted, calling it a “major victory for fabric and sanity.”
Trump Agrees to Pick LSU Football Coach If Landry Promises to Replace the Tiger Eye With His Portrait at Midfield
Governor Jeff Landry is rumored to have accepted Trump’s offer to select LSU’s next coach in exchange for a few “minor artistic liberties.” The President wants his portrait painted at midfield, complete with glowing eyes and a celestial victory halo.
Governor’s Mansion Expansion Includes Cane’s Dining Hall, Dedicated Drive Thru Lane for Political Allies
Governor Jeff Landry unveiled plans for a Raising Cane’s expansion at the Louisiana Governor’s Mansion, complete with portraits, a Cane’s Sauce fountain, and a “Leadership Combo” meal that comes with a key to his private hunting camp. The drive-thru will reportedly serve “political allies first.”
Half of Congressional Map Protestors Arrive Late After Misreading Map With Directions to Capitol
A demonstration to defend Louisiana’s congressional map took an ironic turn Monday when half the crowd couldn’t find the Capitol, after using the very map they were fighting to keep.
Scott Woodward Applies for Student Loan to Pay Kelly Buyout Because Technically Its an Expensive Lesson
LSU Athletic Director Scott Woodward has reportedly applied for a federal student loan to fund Brian Kelly’s buyout, calling it “a hands-on course in catastrophic financial planning.”
Brian Kelly Seen Exiting Tiger Stadium Late in 3rd Quarter “To Avoid the Rush”
LSU Head Coach Brian Kelly was reportedly seen leaving Tiger Stadium before the game ended, citing “unmanageable postgame traffic.”
LSU Fraternities Shocked to Learn They’re Responsible for Everything Bad That Happens Within a Two-Mile Radius
After two shootings involving non-students, Louisiana’s Senate President called for a ban on fraternity tailgating, prompting students to wonder if they’d soon be blamed for traffic, humidity, or the Saints’ offensive line.
LSU Raises Ticket Prices to Help Fans Feel Like They’re Suffering at an Elite Level
LSU’s Board of Supervisors approved new ticket and parking price increases to ensure fans continue “suffering at the highest standard possible.”
LSU Students Warn Closing Unity Field to Tailgaters Could Push Violence to Less Convenient Locations
LSU students are pushing back against the closure of Unity Field, claiming the decision unfairly forces local violence to move to less convenient parts of campus.
Airbnb Honors 19th JDC with ‘Most Short-Term Stays’ Award for EBR Parish Prison Partnership
The 19th Judicial District Court was honored by Airbnb this week for transforming incarceration into a “flexible lodging experience,” complete with express checkouts and no accountability fees.
Officials Brace for Dozens as ‘No Pharaohs’ Protest Hits Downtown Baton Rouge Sunday
The “No Pharaohs” demonstrators say they’re not stopping until every trace of ancient Egyptian influence is removed from U.S. politics, or until someone finally explains to them that there isn’t any.
State Police to Deploy Taco Bell Pop-Ups on North Side of Campus to Deter Anyone Stoned From Entering During Home Games
LSU’s new safety plan includes 12 mobile Taco Bell pop-ups meant to lure “munchies-motivated individuals” off campus before trouble starts.
LSU Announces Plans to Relocate Entire Campus to St. George “For Safety”
LSU has announced plans to relocate its entire campus off Highland Road in St. George, citing safety concerns after a string of recent shootings near campus. Officials say the new location offers “safety, serenity, and better coffee options.”
Trump Announces Baton Rouge Peace Mission, Says It’ll Be Easier Than Gaza Because They Have Better Food
President Trump announced he’ll bring his Gaza peace plan to Baton Rouge, declaring it “much easier” because “they have crawfish there.” He promised “tremendous peace talks” at a Raising Cane’s, insisting extra toast and sauce were “essential diplomatic tools.”
LSU Hires Ed Orgeron as Head of Tailgate Security, Contract Includes Furnished Condo Near Sorority Row
LSU hires Ed Orgeron as Head of Tailgate Security, complete with a campus apartment near Sorority Row and full control over gameday cooler logistics.
LSU to Add Gunfire and Police Siren Sound Effects to Future Hype Playlist So Nobody Notices the Real Ones
LSU officials say the new “realistic” game-day playlist, complete with sirens and gunfire, will help fans stop panicking when they hear the real thing near the North Gates.
Councilman Says His Revitalization Plan Will Make Plank Road The Next Siegen Lane, Residents Say ‘Nah, We’re Good’
Locals say they don’t need another Siegen Lane, they just want one place to eat without having to look over their shoulder.