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New Juvenile Detention Center Will Include Escapee Leaderboard to Encourage Competition

Baton Rouge’s new juvenile detention center will feature an “Escapee Leaderboard,” rewarding youths for creative getaways. City officials call it “gamified rehabilitation,” while critics call it “just a scoreboard for our failure.” Bonus points awarded for dodging traffic near Florida Boulevard.

City Council’s New Motto: ‘Til Debt Do Us Part’—Alimony Tax to Mend Municipal Finances

Baton Rouge officials have a bold new plan to fix the budget—taxing the already emotionally bankrupt. The alimony tax is back, and this time, it’s not just personal. It’s painfully civic.

Mitch Landrieu Tells GOP to ‘Wake Up’—City of New Orleans Still in Coma from His Administration

Mitch Landrieu, the former mayor best known for removing statues and accomplishing little else, told Republicans to “wake up”—from the same man whose political instincts led him to endorse Kamala Harris into irrelevance.

Baton Rouge Police Praise Car Thief’s Honesty for Using Real Name on Facebook Marketplace Listing

A local car thief took bold to new heights by listing a stolen Honda online under his full legal name. Police say they appreciated the honesty—and the GPS-enabled arrest. The victim? Shocked. The car? Still had his fries.

‘Hands Off’ Protest Ends Early After Protesters Realize They’ve Been Yelling at Capitol Groundskeeper for 45 Minutes, Not Landry

A small protest dubbed “Hands Off” ended early after demonstrators realized they’d been passionately addressing a man trimming hedges. No policy changes were made, but the azaleas reportedly looked phenomenal.

Baton Rouge Postal App Replaces Tracking Info With Laughing Emoji

USPS in Baton Rouge no longer pretends to know where your package is. Instead, users now receive a laughing emoji in place of tracking info—because pretending it’s coming was getting awkward.

Central Mayor Storms Baton Rouge City Hall Demanding Credit for Discovering The Sadvocate

Central Mayor Wade Evans says he dove under a Spanish Town float for a Sadvocate tumbler, printed his own shirt, and now Baton Rouge is trying to ride the irony wave he created. “Pick a different fake news source,” he demanded.

DOTD: Bridge Damage Not a Problem, Unless You’re One of Those ‘Wants-to-Survive’ Types

While thousands cross the Mississippi River Bridge daily, DOTD says there’s no cause for concern—unless you’re one of those high-maintenance types who prefers structural integrity and bridges that don’t resemble aging drywall.

Several BRPD Officers Apply for PTSD Support After Hearing State Police Returning to Agency

After a historic internal collapse under trooper leadership, Baton Rouge officers feared a sequel. But this time, the State Police are staying outside—where they can’t mess with the org chart.

BRPD: No Shootings, Carjackings, or Pedestrians Struck in 24 Hours

BRPD Chief TJ Morse confirmed that no major incidents involving gunfire, stolen vehicles, or pedestrian injuries occurred citywide in the past 24 hours—a development officials cautiously called “unusual but welcome.”

Landry Introduces Facebook Post-Inspired Bill Entitled: “We Will Literally Vote for Anything That Reduces Insurance Premiums”

After voters rejected all four amendments with the enthusiasm of a cat rejecting bathwater, Governor Landry turned to the people’s true voice: Facebook comments. His new bill promises one thing—lower insurance. Literally, that’s it.

LA DMV Chief Quits; Enters 3rd Day Waiting in Line to Collect Final Paycheck

Former OMV Commissioner Dan Casey resigned Tuesday but quickly discovered the true horrors of Louisiana’s DMV—now trapped in a three-day wait just to get his final paycheck.

After $955K Deficit, LSU’s Athletic Director Named Finalist for Louisiana State Government Finance Award

From spending SEC money like it’s Monopoly cash to being honored for it by the state, LSU’s athletic department just reminded everyone why Louisiana’s unofficial motto is “It’s not broken, it’s tradition.”

Baton Rouge Criminals Unionize, Demand Safer Working Conditions Amid Crime Surge

Local criminals in Baton Rouge have unionized, demanding “safer working conditions” and protection from fellow criminals during robberies.

Postal Workers Fear Privatization Could Force Them to Deliver Mail in a Timely Manner

USPS employees in Baton Rouge are warning the public that if the mail starts arriving on time, Americans may begin to trust institutions again—a dangerous precedent no one is ready for.

Former Mayor Shocked That St. George Organizers Listened to her and Formed City, Considers Suing Herself

Former Mayor Sharon Weston Broome is reportedly stunned to learn that the organizers of St. George actually listened to her advice from 2012. Now, after suing to stop what she set in motion, she may consider legal action against herself.

EBR Parish Prison Inmates Request Transfer to Mosquito Control Facility, Citing Better Living Conditions

Baton Rouge inmates are demanding a transfer—not to another prison, but to the city’s high-tech mosquito control facility, which boasts air conditioning, working plumbing, and walls that don’t threaten to collapse. “Must be nice to be a can of pesticide,” one inmate said.

Baker School Board Sues BESE: We Don’t Need Your Help Running These Schools Into the Ground

The Baker School Board has filed a lawsuit against BESE, citing concerns that any state intervention might accidentally lead to improvement. “Our parents expect a certain level of dysfunction, and we intend to deliver.”

Audit Finds Thrive Academy’s Hiring Process Consisted of Asking ‘You Good?’ and Moving On

Baton Rouge’s Thrive Academy believes in a ‘gut feeling’ approach to hiring, skipping traditional steps like resumes, references, and background checks. According to an audit, one teacher openly admitted, “I ain’t too good with numbers,” but still landed the math job.

City Declares State of Emergency After Discovering 85% of Baton Rouge’s Beer Consumed in One Morning

Baton Rouge officials declared a state of emergency after the Wearin’ of the Green Parade, delayed to Sunday, led to an unexpected crisis—85% of the city’s beer supply was consumed before noon, leaving desperate parade-goers bartering for booze with beads and turtles.

St. George Candidates Scrap Election, Opt for Cage Matches Instead

With scandals, hookers, salary demands, and government structure disputes causing chaos in St. George, candidates have found a simple solution: ditch democracy and throw hands. The first municipal leadership determined by knockout might actually be the most efficient.

Jimmy Hoffa Located After Being Stuck in Baton Rouge Traffic for 50 Years

Officials confirm Jimmy Hoffa’s disappearance wasn’t mob-related—he’s just been waiting for Baton Rouge traffic to clear since 1975. Found trapped between an SUV with a Tiger tail and a Nissan Altima blasting “Neck,” his story is a true Louisiana tragedy.

Livingston Parish Burglars Blame Economy After Breaking Into Cars and Finding Nothing but Trash

Local burglars say the struggling economy is making their jobs harder, as Livingston Parish cars now hold nothing but disappointment, unpaid parking tickets, and melted ChapStick. “At least leave a working charger,” one thief begged.

Jeff Landry Wants Remote Workers Back in the Office—Because Nothing Boosts Productivity Like Baton Rouge Gridlock

Gov. Jeff Landry has declared war on remote work, forcing thousands of state employees back into Louisiana’s soul-crushing traffic. Because nothing says “efficiency” like a two-hour commute on cratered highways.

Officials Baffled as ‘No Raises for Teachers’ Signs Work While ‘No Weapons’ Signs Fail

Baton Rouge schools have cracked the code: If only “Gun-Free Zone” signs worked as well as “No Raises for Teachers” signs, crime would be nonexistent. Officials consider bigger fonts as a solution.

Insurance Commissioner Suggests LA Homeowners Should ‘Stop Being Poor’ If They Want Affordable Coverage

Louisiana’s Insurance Commissioner has a solution for skyrocketing rates: Stop being poor. Officials suggest homeowners “get creative” by inheriting wealth, starting side hustles, or simply accepting financial ruin with grace.

St. George Mayoral Candidate Reveals his ‘Leadership, Legislation and Lap Dances’ Plan

ST. GEORGE, La. – St. George mayoral candidate Jim Morgan, whose past legal troubles include a guilty plea for solicitation, is now ready to bring his firsthand experience to city leadership. At a forum last night, inside the unfinished VIP lounge of his proposed St. George gentlemen’s club, Morgan unveiled his bold economic recovery plan, […]

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