Pointe Coupee Schools Consider Offering Perfect Attendance Award to Any Student Who Shows Up At Least Twice
Pointe Coupee Parish is lowering the bar for student attendance, proposing “perfect attendance” awards for anyone who shows up twice in a school year. Officials say it’s a realistic response to Louisiana’s second-worst truancy rate. Critics call it a concession-stand level achievement.
Walker High Principal Amends School Dress Code: Mouthguards and Headgear Required
A Louisiana high school has amended its dress code to require students to wear mouthguards and helmets during the school day. Officials say the policy is meant to keep kids safe after a cafeteria fight, though parents argue it sounds more like UFC training than education.
Tyrell Morris Found Guilty of Malfeasance, Immediately Nominated to Head New Orleans Ethics Board
Tyrell Morris’s guilty verdict didn’t slow him down, it sped up his career. In true New Orleans fashion, the former 911 director has already been tapped to chair the city’s Ethics Board, proving once again that corruption is the city’s most reliable job qualification.
Ole Miss Declares Themselves 2007 BCS Champions After Watching the Game on TV
Ole Miss has once again crowned itself a champion, this time of the 2007 BCS National Title, which they claim they earned from watching LSU win on TV. It’s not their first revision, back in 2003, they lost to LSU but still hung a “SEC West Champs” sign.
City of Gonzales Rejects Hispanic Gala, Demands Everyone Pretend the Original Name Was From An Italian Named Antonio Gonzales
The Gonzales City Council rejected funding for the Hispanic Heritage Gala, insisting the town’s name has nothing to do with Hispanic culture. Officials claimed it came from “Tony Gonzalez, a hardworking Italian plumber,” leaving locals baffled at the city’s new heritage-free approach to history.
Jimmy Kimmel Show Returns to ABC, Draws Less Viewers Than a 3 a.m. ShamWow Infomercial
Jimmy Kimmel is back on ABC, but his ratings are still trailing behind a 3 a.m. ShamWow infomercial. Despite promotion, fewer viewers tuned in than for weather radar loops and old reruns, making his suspension look like the high point of his career.
Denham Springs Threatens to Pull Church’s Chicken License Over 1912 Law Banning Churches From Selling Meat
Denham Springs officials unearthed a 1912 ordinance banning churches from selling meat, putting Church’s Chicken in the crosshairs. The council insists it’s just “following the law,” though residents say it’s the dumbest legal argument since Prohibition.
Bourbon Street Barriers Awarded City’s First-Ever Participation Trophy in Public Safety
New Orleans has officially honored Bourbon Street’s weakest defenders: the push-over barriers. In a ceremony dripping with irony, city officials awarded them the first-ever Participation Trophy in Public Safety, celebrating not success, but the sheer audacity of just showing up every day.
Louisiana Legislature Considers Joining LHSAA Just to Get Something Passed This Year
Lawmakers at the State Capitol admitted they’re so tired of gridlock that the LHSAA might actually be better at running things. If the association can rule a star athlete ineligible overnight, legislators joked, maybe it’s time they merged the House of Representatives into Division I.
ICE Detainees Give Angola Kitchen Zero Stars On Yelp, Say They’d Rather Starve Than Order Again
Angola’s cafeteria has officially bottomed out on Yelp, with ICE detainees unanimously giving the kitchen zero stars. Many say starvation is preferable to the gray, flavorless meals, proving even a captive audience won’t tolerate mystery meat disguised as dinner.
Alcohol Permit Approved After Denham Springs Confesses They’re Still Recovering From Last Sadvocate Article
After two denials, Denham Springs council finally approved Mustard Seed Creamery’s liquor license, not out of civic duty, but sheer fear of another Sadvocate roasting. Officials admitted the satire hit harder than any drink on the menu.
$20M Baton Rouge Airport Taxiway Stalled by $19M Nutria Relocation Study
Baton Rouge Metro Airport’s taxiway expansion has been grounded, not by planes, but by nutria. EPA announced a $19 million study to determine the best way to relocate the rodents before any construction begins, delaying progress before the project even starts.
Trump Suggests Governor Landry Deploy National Guard to Replace Saints Offensive Line
Trump proposed Governor Jeff Landry deploy the National Guard to the Superdome, claiming soldiers would provide “tremendous discipline” and “no false starts.” Landry didn’t rule it out, hinting that public safety now includes preventing Rattler from being sacked every other play.
Gonzales Mayor : City Employees Must Have Permission Slip With Parent’s Signature to Speak at Council Meetings
Gonzales City Hall has gone full classroom, with Mayor Arceneaux requiring permission slips from employees before they speak to council. Complete with parental signatures, the policy threatens detentions and awkward phone calls home for rulebreakers, making civic duty feel more like homeroom.
Utility Workers Say Juban Road Lines Still Not Moved Because They’ve Been Stuck in Juban Traffic Since 2021
Forget DOTD spin. Crews say Juban delays come down to one thing: getting trapped in Juban Road traffic for four years straight.
ABC Suspends Jimmy Kimmel, Hopes Pretending to Have Standards Will Boost Ratings
ABC suspended Jimmy Kimmel after his comments about Charlie Kirk’s death, claiming it was about “standards.” Insiders admit the real goal is pretending to have some—since viewers forgot the network existed until this latest outrage.
East Baton Rouge Truancy Meeting Cancelled After More Than Half of School Board Skips It
An East Baton Rouge truancy meeting meant to tackle student absences was canceled after more than half the school board failed to show up. Parents joked it was the most on-theme lesson plan yet: a meeting about truancy derailed by adult truancy.
Schexnayder Laughs at Artifact’s Priceless Claim By AG Murrill, Says Pawn Shop Wouldn’t Go Past $100
Former Speaker Clay Schexnayder downplayed the value of Louisiana’s missing artifact, saying it couldn’t be priceless since a Gonzales pawn shop only offered him $100 for it.
Archaeologists Ask Governor Landry to Designate Juban Road Construction Site as Historic Landmark
Archaeologists have asked the Governor to designate the Juban Road construction site a historic landmark, citing its decades-long delays as a cultural artifact worth preserving.
Cantrell Promises to Return From Iceland With Infrastructure Plan Written in Runes
Mayor LaToya Cantrell insists her upcoming Iceland trip will benefit New Orleans, promising to return with an “infrastructure plan written in Viking runes.” Officials say the plan could address potholes and flooding, though residents may need archaeologists to interpret it.
EBRSO Chase on Siegen Ends in Collision, Nearby Encampments Add “Free Entertainment” to Neighborhood Perks
A high-speed chase ended on Siegen Lane with a crash into a deputy, but nearby encampments saw it as an upgrade. Residents called it “free entertainment,” branding the chaos as just another perk of life along Baton Rouge’s busiest stretch of highway.
Coach Kelly Admits Viral Outburst Fueled by Anticipation of Sadvocate Memes After Florida Performance
Brian Kelly admitted his postgame outburst wasn’t about referees or reporters, it was about bracing for The Sadvocate’s inevitable meme flood after LSU’s offense sputtered against Florida. “I wasn’t mad at the game,” Kelly explained. “I was mad at what was coming.”
19th JDC Redistricting Map Includes New Scandal District, Reserved for Judges Under Investigation
The newly redrawn 19th JDC map now includes a “Scandal District,” designed for judges under investigation. Officials say it will streamline ethics complaints and resignation rumors into one convenient voting block, sparing voters the trouble of choosing candidates with clean records.
Florida QB Invited to Ride in Spanish Town Parade, Finally Gets to Throw Into a Crowd on Purpose
Baton Rouge has found a new use for Florida’s interception-prone quarterback, handing him a float spot in the Spanish Town Parade, where wild throws are encouraged and no one keeps stats.
DA Declares Highland Food Mart a Nuisance But Still Much Safer Than Siegen Lane at Night
Hillar Moore’s crackdown on a Highland gas station drew laughs when he noted the store, despite its sketchy reputation, remains less dangerous than Siegen Lane. Residents say they’d rather gamble with the Food Mart’s parking lot dice game than turn left onto Siegen.
Wildlife & Fisheries and OMV Partnership Saves Time by Combining Two Broken Systems Into One
Louisiana has streamlined inefficiency by combining the Office of Motor Vehicles with Wildlife & Fisheries. Now, residents can lose patience, time, and sanity in one unified location, proving government innovation means taking two broken systems and duct-taping them into a slightly larger broken system.
EPA Reports Tangipahoa River Water Now Able to Power Small Appliances
The EPA says the Tangipahoa River may not be safe to drink, but it can power your toaster for a solid three minutes. Locals call it “green energy with a brown tint,” a renewable resource Louisiana never asked for but definitely expected.
Baton Rouge Hopes Efficiency Officer Can Turn 6-Month Trash Complaints Into 4-Month Trash Complaints
Baton Rouge has created a Chief Efficiency Officer role, promising faster service delivery. Leaders say if trash complaints drop from six months to four, that’s progress. Residents aren’t so sure, they’re still waiting on responses from 2017
LADOTD Traffic Officials Reveal Secret Plan to Just Outlive Drivers Instead of Fixing I-10
In a move that stunned no one, LADOTD confirmed its plan for solving I-10 congestion isn’t more lanes — it’s patience. Officials admitted they’re simply waiting for current drivers to age out, saying “cheaper than construction, and the traffic dies off naturally.”
Baton Rouge Suspect Earns Platinum Status in State’s “Early Release Club”
Louisiana’s justice system is celebrating consistency, granting “Platinum Status” to a Baton Rouge man accused of raping a 4-year-old girl, just weeks after his latest release. With a rap sheet that reads like a phone book, officials say he’s a “valued repeat customer.”