WASHINGTON, D.C. – A new nationwide poll released Tuesday found that 78% of American voters would enthusiastically support any presidential candidate willing to make one simple promise: stop campaigning immediately.
Researchers said respondents were surprisingly united across party lines, with many explaining they no longer cared who won as long as they could go a single day without another campaign email, text message, fundraising plea, or television ad warning that democracy would end by Thursday.
“It’s not even about the issues anymore,” said one exhausted voter. “I’d vote for the person who disappears until Election Day and lets me watch football in peace.”
Political consultants reportedly dismissed the findings, insisting voters actually enjoy receiving fifteen text messages a day asking for another $17. “Our data clearly shows they’re only ignoring 98% of them,” one strategist explained.
Campaigns from both parties immediately responded by purchasing even more advertising to explain why they were the candidate most committed to ending excessive campaigning.
The poll concluded that the only message Americans were genuinely excited to receive was one announcing that campaign season had officially ended.
