WASHINGTON, DC – Senate lawmakers introduced emergency federal legislation Thursday known as the “Lane Kiffin Rule,” a proposal that would require college football coaches to wait until fans are “done crying” before officially resigning, or accepting another job.
The bill comes after years of coaches abruptly leaving programs while fan bases were still emotionally processing recruiting promises, speeches, and freshly purchased season tickets with a 10-15% increase.
Under the proposed law, coaches would be required to observe a mandatory 72-hour “mourning period” before departing, giving fans adequate time to post angry Facebook statuses, destroy visor collections, and convince themselves the school “never wanted him anyway.”
“The bill also requires rival fan message board activity to decline by at least 50%, including posts like ‘He’ll be leaving y’all too’ and ‘lol even he couldn’t save that shitty program.'”
“We’re not saying coaches can’t leave,” said one senator backing the bill. “We’re simply asking them to wait until message boards calm down and at least half the fan base removes the coaches photo with devil horns and a slash through it from their social media bios.”
SEC officials are also considering mandatory grief counselors for fans who purchased “He’s Building Something Special Here” T-shirts.
