BATON ROUGE, LA – LSU has officially agreed to pay Brian Kelly’s full buyout, a decision they say was made the moment the university realized it probably shouldn’t try and stiff the last coach while searching for a new one. According to sources, this revelation occurred during an early coaching interview when a candidate casually asked, “So before we continue… do you guys pay?”
Athletic officials reportedly exchanged a long, haunted silence before blurting out that yes, they absolutely pay coaches, eventually, and that the whole Kelly situation was “just a tiny misunderstanding involving millions of dollars.”
The settlement quickly became a strategic necessity. Several candidates had already begun turning down LSU’s calls after reading headlines that made the job sound less like a dream gig and more like a future courtroom appearance.
By paying the buyout, LSU hopes to project stability, professionalism, and at least a vague familiarity with how contracts work, qualities they admit are helpful when trying to convince someone to run a small athletic empire.
Officials say they’re now confident the next coach will appreciate LSU’s renewed commitment to the radical concept of paying people.
