BATON ROUGE, LA – In his first major policy initiative as LSU president, Dr. Wade Rousse announced that all athletics department positions will now operate on renewable 8-hour contracts, part of what he’s calling the university’s new “Interim Forever” stability model.
Rousse said the plan ensures LSU remains “nimble, responsive, and always in a state of mild panic.” Under the new system, every athletics employee, from athletic directors to water boys, will be considered “permanent until lunch.”
“I believe in accountability,” Rousse said during a brief press conference. “If you can’t prove your worth between breakfast and dinner, maybe the LSU Athletic Dept. isn’t the place for you.”
The move follows widespread confusion over Rousse’s earlier reversal of Verge Ausberry’s interim status, a decision he admitted was made “somewhere between coffee and confusion.”
Governor Jeff Landry praised the 8-hour model as “a perfect fit for LSU,” noting that “it’s the first time in years they’ve had a game plan that actually changes every few hours.”
LSU’s HR department confirmed they’ll save thousands on business cards, since titles now expire faster than a parking pass.
