PALM BEACH, FL – President Donald Trump announced plans Monday to travel to Baton Rouge next month to personally broker a peace deal between rival gangs, claiming the city’s violence is “very serious, very tragic, but much more fixable than Gaza, because they have much better food there at places like Dearman’s Diner and Roul’s Deli.”
Trump told reporters he intends to host “historic peace talks” at a neutral site, possibly the parking lot of a Raising Cane’s, where “everyone can come together, shake hands, and enjoy a box combo.” He emphasized that all meals “should be ordered correctly, with extra toast, extra sauce, and more fries instead of coleslaw, because only losers eat coleslaw.” He added that Baton Rouge was “a tremendous place for diplomacy” because “people here already know how to negotiate for seafood by the pound.”
Trump praised current Mayor Sid Edwards for being “a leader who actually wants peace,” while noting that “the last administration couldn’t get it done, but this one has a plan, and a better system.” Edwards’ office confirmed they’re cooperating with the White House “as long as the summit doesn’t block traffic on Highland.”
The President finished by telling reporters, “They say Baton Rouge is pretty dangerous lately, but I’ve been in hotter situations and none of them had gumbo this good. Tremendous gumbo, really fantastic people. You’ve got strong folks here, very loyal, very hardworking. They love their city, they love their crawfish, and they love Trump, maybe even more than that LSU offense this year. We’re going to make Baton Rouge peaceful again, safe again, and most importantly, we’re going to make sure nobody ever gets hit by one of these maniacs in those piece of shit Altimas that seem to be running wild all over the city. It’s going to be beautiful, absolutely beautiful.”
