NEW ORLEANS – After the Saints’ humiliating loss to Seattle on Sunday afternoon, Donald Trump suggested Louisiana’s biggest crisis isn’t crime, flooding, or politics, it’s the offensive line. The President hinted the National Guard, which Governor Jeff Landry has floated deploying to New Orleans, might be better suited in shoulder pads and helmets.
“Why waste them walking around Bourbon Street?” Trump said at a rally. “They’d be much more effective blocking linebackers than breaking up bar fights. Beautiful soldiers. Very tough. They don’t get tired. They don’t complain. Tremendous discipline, they listen, unlike the Saints’ offensive line. No false starts. No holding penalties, except the good kind, the patriotic kind. And believe me, if you saw one of those big defensive linemen running at Rattler, and you put ten National Guardsmen with bayonets in front of him, that lineman wouldn’t even try it. He’d turn around, he’d run home to his mother. Everyone says so.”
Fans, weary after watching the game agreed. “I’ll take a Guardsman with a bayonet over our left tackle any day,” one Dome regular said.
Landry, who rarely misses a chance to look “tough on something,” appeared open to the plan. “If the Guard can hold off a blitz, that’s public safety in my book,” the governor remarked.
By the fourth quarter, FEMA officials were reportedly drafting an emergency plan to reclassify the Saints as a disaster to make way for the guard to move in.
