BATON ROUGE, LA – In a closed-door session that definitely had no political pressure whatsoever, the LSU Board of Supervisors announced its selection of the university’s next president, Dr. Geoffry Landreau. The newly appointed president is a previously unknown academic whose credentials are as mysterious as his sudden appearance on campus with what appears to be a glued-on mustache.
Board members praised Landreau’s “deep commitment to freedom,” “love for Bengal Tigers,” and “extensive experience telling people what to do.” When asked for details about his background, the Board cited “confidentiality” and then abruptly changed the subject to tailgating policies.
Landreau arrived at his introductory press conference wearing a gold tie, mirrored sunglasses, and lapel pin that read “Make LSU Great Again.” When asked about his vision for the university, he replied, “The days of tenured slackers and activist departments are over. We’re getting back to the basics—discipline, job readiness, and weight limits for all sorority pledges.”
Sources say the previous president’s departure came after repeated clashes with the board over issues like academic freedom, insurance reform, and whether LSU should replace the philosophy department with a bass fishing academy.
Landreau outlined a vision focused on “economic alignment,” floating potential campus partnerships with major energy firms and retail brands. Proposals include a miniature Buc-ee’s convenience store in the student union, industry-sponsored classrooms bearing names like the Chevron Center for Independent Thought, and a planned commemorative statue of Donald Trump—with a brown pelican perched on his shoulder—to be erected in the quad.
