ST. FRANCISVILLE, La. – In a forward-thinking move that perfectly captures Louisiana’s approach to crisis management, the River Bend Nuclear Plant has decided to ditch its decades-old emergency sirens in favor of Facebook posts—because nothing says “urgent radioactive threat” like a notification buried under birthday wishes, crawfish boil invites and fake news articles from The Sadvocate.
“Most people just tune the sirens out,” said one plant spokesperson. “Now they can ignore us online, too.”
The new system will also post alerts to X, formerly known as Twitter, assuming it’s functional that day and not rebranding again. For those without social media, officials recommend making friends with someone who overshares.
Critics worry the system relies too heavily on algorithms. “If the warning doesn’t go viral, we’re probably just gonna die uninformed,” said one resident, halfway through a Facebook comment war.
Officials say a virtual town hall will be held Friday night. “Tune in,” they said, “or don’t—we’ll be posting a meme about evacuation routes either way.”
