NEW ORLEANS, LA – In what legal experts are calling “a natural synergy between incarceration and innovation,” Orleans Parish Criminal District Court Judge Paul Bonin has been named the Honorary Vice President of Sales for ETOH Monitoring, the ankle bracelet company he allegedly directed defendants to use—coincidentally owned by his former law partner and generous campaign donors.
While the Fifth Circuit Court saw no issue with the arrangement, Judge Bonin insisted the honorary title “has no influence whatsoever on judicial decision-making,” before slipping a shiny new branded ankle monitor onto a defendant during sentencing.
The company, which charges defendants $10 a day to not be in jail, celebrated the judge’s appointment with a ribbon-cutting ceremony at court, followed by a $40 invoice for attending.
“This is America,” Bonin said proudly. “If Amazon can suggest products based on your browsing history, I don’t see why I can’t suggest vendors based on your criminal charges.”
Critics say the situation reeks of corruption. Supporters say it reeks of efficiency.
